Just WHy ???

Am i such a Foooooooooooooooollllllll !!!!!!!!!!!!

Update

I havent been on here in a minute . and sooo much has happened that has changed my life . muchc is wayy personal .

but anyways . idk . aint nothing change with the way i am really . still a fool .

forreal forreal FML .

aint no one there . when I call for you, all there are is echos of myself ... lonely as shit .

everyone selfish and foolish .

possibility that me and ex might be back together . that'll be hell .

he all sad and shit his mans just died,. never seen him like that, idek how to feel .

i want to comfort him because no one ever comforts me, so I wanna be there for him.even

though i know he wont wanna talk to me, he'll just keep to himself . soo idk what to do

with myself . i just feel like garbage /

found a $20 on the ground today . booyah . highlight of my life liiiiike Shit .

ugjhbjkvhcfujh

I just hate fuckin bein here . I;m just SOO sick and Tired of fuckin attitude and shit . Alabama sucks, I hate visitin my dad, hes such a dick, finds a problem with EVERYTHING i do . listening to my ipod is a problem, reading a book in my room is a problem, getting on the computer is problem, going to the basketball court is a problem, hanging out with a friend is a problem, just going outside is a problem, my child support bill is a problem, voicing my opinion is a problem, just everything i do is a fucking problem . I'M just a problem . then why the fuck did you get it in with my mom . shoulda used a fuckin condom if i'd be sucha problem . i just fuckin ... wanan go home .

like suck my damn dick .

shit ,.

Update On Life

Whoaaa . havent blogged in a minute ! its been like 3 weeks ! but anyways, I'm back in Alabama visitin my dad for another 3 freakin weeks ! but I've made some friends here though, they're cool . && my and my dad have gotten closer . like i told him about why i do certain shit that they think is stupid, like get a tattoo at 15 that says "Respect" . I was all cryin on the phone and shit telling him when I was yougner I was verbally abused, and stuff, and he didnt know and how even though im young, i stilld eserve respect too and they shouldnt call me stupid and fat and blah blah blahhhh, so hes not mad that I have the tattoo anymore which great . but then my mooooommmm on the other hand ... well whatever . but ummm anything else ?

oh yeahh .

you know who wants to jump back in the picture right ?
Lovell .

&& I almost let him too . but i found out that he had pictures of him and his ex briana on his page a few weeks ago sayin "i miss us", ANDD just not too long ago he was like "nalani i miss you, i love you, and i want you back in my life" and shit like that, and im sittin here liiiike .... muhfucka are we playin those SAME games again ? like HOW DARE YOU say that to ME ?? how can he put his ex pic up on his page sayinn i miss you but cant even put a pic of us when we were TOGETHER !! she was the problem before, and here she is again . im not mad at her at all, cus she prolyl doesnt even know about me, ... which is a shame because she shouldve . but lovell neeeeeeever talked about, or even acknowldged that he had a gf (me) but yet he's all up her ass, breezy this breezy that, i miss you breezy, marry me again breezy, my breezy baby gorgeous, jus breezy EVERYTHING !!

but never .... Never ...

nalani is gorgeous, or Nalani is even pretty . i was just "cute" he never said marry me Nalani, neever none of that . and you know how that makes me feel ? ....

honestly ?

like shit . and I don't deserve that . especially a lame ass fucker like that .

like what the hell .

I MUUUST be a damn fool .

I must be .

Next Movement: Alabama

I'm in Alabama now, visiting my father, i've been here for about a week, not really much net access, so i cant really blog . and so far so good, because usually everytime i come down here, i wanna go right back home and shit, cus he pissin me off and whatever . we bump heads alot . but so far, we're great . i guess its because im older, i understand shit now . but nothing really to do down here . but get on the cpu, go to the gym, and eat .

Aruba Trip (Summed Up)

It was aight . i don't really like traveling unless it's somewhere i haven't been to . it was boring as hell except for the 1st and last night . 1st night we met these white guys from cali, they were cool, and we chilled with them, andddd ... yeah .. =) . dont worry we didnt have sex with them or do anything sexual, or at least NALANI didnt, but ummm *cough cough* lol so anyways then friday, we went to the club, like the 18 and over kind, and I danced on stage yall ! it was soo much fun ! i LOOOVE the club ! cant wait 'til im 18 ! WOO HOOOO ! lol jkkk . but yeahh .

that was it basically . all the in between then's ... didnt really do nothin except swim and shit .

Mann ...

why the fuck am I always the other woman ?

is this my place in life ?

just a quick fuck ? damn,

Feelin' Uglyyy ...

Mannn ... i just keep makin my own damn self mad . like ...

what the fuck .

i went to loe's ex's page ... anddd i dont know why really ...

and shes the one ... that was always on the other side ... so he had feelings for her STILL,
so i guess IM the girl on the other side since they were together first, ..

but she is SO fuckin PRETTY ... like oh my goshh . it doesnt even make sense as to why he was
even with me . shes Beautiful . Geez . and shes super thick . and it hurts cus the whole time, he was messin with Her ... and then the fact that thts your Ex also,... kills everything .

i dont evne know why im thinking about this shit .

but i haddd to blog .

fuck him . i hate you Lovell .

Past Has Come Back To Haunt Me,

Shit .

I hate this . i keep doing this . and i thought i was over it . i thought i was better . i thought i was healed . but apparently im not . i cant stop . i cant help it .

im just so stupid
stupid
stupid .

i keep overeating .

when i was younger, i had an eating disorder, i used to binge, and then i tried to be anorexic

but i was never successful, becausee tryna starve yourself and then eat everything in the fucking refrigerator doesnt work . ive had self esteem problems and family problems so i used to take it out on eating . i was 12 and weighed 20 pounds more than my mother who had a perfect hourglass figure . and that made it worse, cus all MY crushes and all my BAIT, wanted her ...

which made me turn to anorexia so i can be thin ... and skinny ... and beautiful . just like her . she'd wear tube tops and short shorts ... and her long beautiful hair swayin all the way down to her butt ... and then it be my ass sittin on the other side, staring at the model from a distance ... wishing i was her .. wishing i was my mother for just a few moments .. see what heaven was like ...

i'd try EVERYTHINGGG to be skinny ... pills, drinks, not eating, drink water all day, i'd subscribe to those anorexic help websites .... i was reallly determined ... to be skinny . those skinyn girls were ... and ARE .. in some aspects ...still beautiful to me .

but i read this article ... about how like alcoholics, drug users, anorexics, binge eaters, and etc can be healed, and stuff, and wont do it anymore, like theyre a brand new person .... but if .. they get pushed to a certain point, or just near it ... they will go back to it ...

and IIIII ...

have gone back to it . and i AM ashamed . and embarrased .

because today ... well, last night, my mom bought me some leftovers from this japanese restauarant and i ate it all up, ... andthere was some for my stepdad too ... and ...

i ate that shit up . and i felt so guilty cus when he came downstairs, .. he didnt have

anything to eat =/ i felt SO bad, like i wanted to kill myself . and he asked did anyone eat it ?

everyone said no . he asked me did i eat both, ... i said noo ... i only ate the one mommy gave

me ... and he just sighed ... and asked my gramma did she throw it away ... and of course she

denied it . and NALANI is the FATASS FUCK !! shit .

ive done that shit before too . when we was havin chicken wings . and i had like 8 (cus babyGirl can eat! LOL) and ray got home late ... and all he had was 2 little wings ... and he was like "is this all i get ? wheres the rest of the food ??" and he looked straight at me cus he knows i eat alot ... and too much, and my mother makes comments and stuff ....

and for once .. my mother took up for me and said "i gave the leftovers to accent *my Dog* cus you usually bring your own food home *which he sometimes does* so we didnt know !" and he aint say nothing else ... and i felt so badd ... i wanted to throw up everything i ever ate and shitted out ... . i hate that shit . cus theres so many people who dont have anything to eat ... and here i am ... being so greedy . and i KNOW i have a problem ... and i TRY sooo hard ...

to eat right, to eat the right amount of portions ... but my past always, and always will ... come back to haunt me .

&& We're Back From Our Commercial Break,

&& I'm wayyy better now . I NEEDED that party . i needed to let loose for a few . mann it was fun . TONS of bait . but i alerady had my lil joint joint, yeahhh youuu know . he's REALLY sweet . and i KNOWW he wont hurt me . already met his mom and stuff, aactully, both his parents . and if it wasnt for his mom tryna hook us up, i wouldve never met him . but yeahh, you know the basics . he's tall . athletic . nice lips . blah blah blahhh . lol justtt the kind i like . but umm, yeah, so we're talking now . and he's very understanding . like if we werent more than friends, i can see us being like bestfriends . he makes me laugh, and smile, and i like talking to him . hes so down to earth, and soo sweet . he'd do anything for me . and i keep asking why do he like me, and i knowww it get annoyin cus i ask alot cus i JUST DONT UNDERSTAND ! lol and eevvverytime, he tells me . and he Never gets tired of telling me why . which i STILL dont udnerstand . but theres things in life that youre just not going to . we have so much in common, and we think the same things, and see from each others perspectives, and its like we WANT to understand each other, to knoww what the other is thinking, or feeling, to just care about each other, and we do . andddd its just so great for me . well, for us . its not love or anything, cus im too ... nervous for that . but its something like it . i dont, and im not innn love with him, but i guess you can say i care about him . i have feelings for him . && vice versa . so yeah . but im def not tryna rush anything . cus when i rush something serious like this, i end up ... idkkk . but im just living my life right now . not really planning anything for relationships/love, just living each day at a time . and whereever this takes me, im willing to go . just not rushed .

but im pretty happy i'd say . schools practically over . time for aruba . SUMMER TIME .

Feels Like,

flowers on a beautiful day .

idk why i just said that . but anyways, i didnt have an umbrella today =/ and it was pouring
down raining . but it wasnt even so bad because ive always wanted to do that anyway . but anyways, im scrolling through old pictures on my photobuckt, and i see GAZILLION pictures of me and loe all close, and kissin, and ew . and im just sittin here in awe because i forgot i had those lil fuckers in there . but i dont wanna delete them lol ;] . is that bad ? what does that mean ? mm whatever . i say that at like the end of every blog . its either "mm whatever ." or "fuck it ." lmao thaaaats funny .

I Wish ..

I never loved you .
never met you .
i was confident all the time .
i'd be fearless .
i wasn't so damn triflin'.
God and I had a btter relationship .
I wore a size 10 .
my boobs weren't so small .
i wasn't so nice .
i didn't stutter .
i wasnt so hairy .
my butt didnt have all these stretch marks
i wasnt such a bad person .
drugs werent sucha bad thing
I'd find him .
i could speak french and japanese fluently .
i wasnt a failure .
i didnt complain so damn much; fuckk .

My Life ... Like Shit .

1 .So basically ... its some shit . like forreal . but im teribly grateful because i love my life . but then, sometimes, i wish it could be different . like i see other people couplin up, and bein just together and lovin each other, and im starin from a distance, like daaamn ..thats beautiful . and i look at mine, and ... dont even see any love . period . i mean damn . but sometimes, i think i deserve it . because i believe in karma . so what goes around, comes around . i be stealing clothes, jewelry, cheating, just doin all wrong ... so in return i get nothing . thats how i see . just karma . God knows what im doin . soo ... yeah . but i dont care . sometimes, i think i dont really need it .

2 .i dont have a boyfriend now . and i thought i missed him . i thought i missed his lips, his embrace, his being in general . mannnnn fuckkk that nigga . i just had a realization . he just makes me hate niggas in general . i guess only cus ... before him, ... i never really was the bf/gf type ... and then here he comes ... and hes my boyfriend ... and its weird cus i dont fuckin do boyfriends . and then, i end up loving him ... and i hate that shit too . he had me wiiiiide open . and he just ,,, left . and it hurt . well, really IIIII left , but he left first emotionally i guess . and ... idk . i feel as though he belongs to me . and now what i had is gone . its dead . whyy ? i dont know . i dont know anything ... fuck .

3 .but i also realized ... that I AM alone . like i have bestfriends whom i love ... but .. theyre not gonna ALWAYS be there for me . like i want someone ... whos gonna love me UNCONDITIONALLY, like ... idk .. just a love so great i could cry . but i dont think that really exists . for me at least . i meann, shelbyy ,... i love that girl . like always and forever . like i dont even know why, but i would do any and everything for that girl, and i would never get tired of her . she makes me happy . but now ... she has a boyfriend . and ... she was my other half ... and now shes someone elses ... and i dont have her as much as i did . and i barely had her before cus we go to diff schools so i ckld hardly see her . and its like everytime i ask her to do something or wanna hang, she always says im with deon, deon this, deon that, now DONT GET ME WRONG ! i am NOTTTT complaining .. at all, i am VERY happy and excited that she has experienced love, cus shes not the bf/gf type either . and matetr fact, i love deon, hes really cool, so i DEF. approve . but anyways, like loe and shelby made my world ,. and both are gone, and now have left me in pieces . im slowly building myself back up again . slowly ... but surely .

4 .and its like .... what the fuck, am I your therapist ?? did i ASKKKKK what happened ? i dont think i signed up for this . you dont care about me . like when i try to tell someone about MYYY problems, cus i mean since im such the listener, i think i would have to vent some time too, but anyways, when i try to tell someone about my problems, they ALL OF A SUDDEN ... sttart ramblin on about THEIR problems .. like what the fuck, youre soo selfish ! theres NEVER time when someone just wants to sit down with me, and be like "sonn .. whatsup" and like actually care . NO ONE . and thats why sometiems, i just feel like telling people to shut the fuck up because i dont give a flying fuck . it just gets so annoying sometimes . i just get SOO tired .

5 .like alll of my friends be like "oh yeahh, i love you etc etc," "i gotchu son" blah blah blahh ... noo bitchh .. you dont . you dont love me . you dont care about me . you only come to me, because you KNOW im nice, you KNOW i'll listen, you KNOW i'll be there for you . but will you do the same to me ? noo . you'll just be like "ohh .." or "truue ." bitch i aint ask for a one word response, HELP MEE ! what the fuck .

6 . anddddd mom, you can DEFINETLY suck my Nuttttt . i just ... cant fuckin stand you . you make me feel like shit . i feel like youre the fakest person in all thee nations . and dad ... well ... you dont have to necessarily SUCK my nut ... but you can definetly give it a lick or two . because you complain that i never call or never text .. bitch you i always text you, and i NEVER get a text from you ! but YET, you can send MY MOMMMMM a fuckin txt message sayin whatsup . BITCH WHAT ABOUT ME ? ... mann ... fuck yall .

i swear mann, ima stay focused in school, get this muhfuckin honor roll, get some fuckin scholarships, and roll THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE .... fuck out . to college . and never comin back, never lookin back . believe that . mann ... fuck all of yall . shit .
yall dont do shit for me . or my life . you dont better me, so whats the ourpose of you ?

thats what the fuck i thought ,.

Dead && Gone

We're Done . officially .

hes sucha fuckin lil kid . he deleted me as a myspace friend ! lol

like who does that ? i cant believe i like an immature lil boy like that .

he tryna get girls off myspace and whatever . good luck nigga . i got mine .

get your weight up .

Last,

I hate myself for ever being sucked into this . my hands are shaking right now and its 821am .
i just ... i cant take this anymore . im tired . he makes unhappy, stressed, tired, sick, worried, and he only chooses to talk to me when he wants to . and it makes me mad as shit . i cant fuckin stand him . because hes a bamma ass nigga . why the fuck aint you tell me you was a date to go to someone elses prom ?!?! WHAT THE FUCK NIGGA ? but im thinkinggggg its because i didnt tell him i was takin pictures of my bestfriend at herrrr prom . but its not even the same ! HE actually dressed up and was a DATE to the prom and etc etc, MEEEE on the other hand was still in my track practice clothes, with my little digital cmera takin pix of my bestfriend and her date in her house and in the lobby of the thing cus i couldnt get past security lol so thats WAYYYY fuckin different . and thne on his facebook status it said he hate when niggas dont txt back, and then he gonna tell his "Shani Boo-Boo" to text him . BITCH IVE BEEN MUHFUCKIN TEXTIN YOU FOR LIKE TWO DAYS AND NO REPLY FROM YOUR ASS !!! soo what the fuck, you ignoring me nigga ?
&& whole time ive been tryna give you some space since you said you be tired, and imt hinkin you be tired of basketball, band practice, and school work, but CLEARLY you went to prom, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND the fucking gogo .... i swear, ... if I was a nigga ... i would steal the shit ouuta yo ass . you a bitch ass PUSSY(yeah i said it lol) ass fake ass muhfucka . OOH i cant fuckin stand you . and what REALLY gets me is the fact that ive been puttin up with ALL your shit for THEE longest . all because i love you and think we can work things out . CLEARLY, we fuckin cant . and i feel like im puttin in wayyy too much effort into this relationship when youre fucking not . and its BULLSHIT . youre bullshitting me . and i fell for it . nahh, im not stupid, nahh, im not gullible . i just trusted you . now i consider myself a fool . you aint no different from any other nigga . you just the same LOVELL .
and i'm NOT goin through this shit again . fuck it . im done . i swear . cus you dont love me . you dont . youre a liar . cus if this is or was love, then maybe i dont need to be in it . or i dont WANT to be in it . cus it sucks ass Lovell . fuck THISSS .

Hmm ...

well life is improving .
lovell and I are back together again,
like always lol =]
but umm .. school is almost over .
CANT WAAAIT ! i need to find someone
to do my senegalese or nubians . doesnt matter
which . i havent seen loe in 3 weeks ! =/

I Just Need To Vent,

okayy .. honestly I'm not mad . just a bit upset . "lookin for a real youngin" ?? bitch i'm right here what the fuckkk . im not bein pressed or on dicks or nothin, i just need an understanding . what is about me that isnt REAL ? and its just like ... nigga what the fuck . are you stupid ? do you knwwww what youre leaving behind ? i payed for your dinner the first time my mom took us out, i payed for you and juan's pizza and hotwings when yall come over, i bought you your favorite candy jus cus i was thinking about you ! and gave you other favors as well ... and what have you done for me ? NOTHING !
You aint neva buy me shit or give meee and "favors" or whatever . but you know what ? i ddnt even care . i didnt need all that . i dont need your money or anything like that cus thats not what im about . im about bein here and there for you . i got you . this may sound corny but i wanted your heart, and nothing else . nothing moneyy can buy . i wanted your love and understanding . but i guess i cant get everything i want . all i wanted was you . but i guess im not enough for YOUU . but you know what, im not even trippin . you do youu . and ima do mee . i hope you DO find a real youngin, realer than me ? good luck mutherfucker . cus im as real as it gets . im not gonna lie to you and youknow that . im not gonna cheat on you, and you know that . i was always there for you, and you know that .
i always asked howyour day went, how your basketball games went, what you doin today, do you wanna hang out, whats on your mind, do you wanna talk aabout it blah blah blahhh ,,... but do youuu ask MEE any of that ? fuckkk nooo . you never ask about my track meets, my life, how im feeling, do iiiii wanna go out somewhere, nothingggg . because you dont care . and i just CANT believe that i wasted my time like this . you aint no different than the rest of them, i hope you know that .
&& for YOUUR information, i think NALANI should be the one "LOOKIN FOR A REAL ASS NIGGA" .
Ha .
good luck on life, i hope you a beast in basketball, and i hope your lil band make alot of money, and i hope you get all the girls in the world . but i just hope you dont play with them ... thats all i ask of you ...
if you cant give ME, what I yearn from you, ... at least give it to someone special .
seriously .

..

&& the feeling is real .
he doesn't .

.......

hmm .

Nalani, is that all you can say ? is Hmm ?
For right now ... yes .
don't worry .
I am not mad .
I am not sad .
I am not upset .
I am not anything .

I am ... Okay .
better than I thought I would have been .

.

It's just a feeling ...

that,

He Doesn't love Me Anymore .

Look at my life, and I Chuckle ...

So my mom finally finds about my tattoo . and she asked why didnt i tell her earlier . and i said if i told you earlier, would you have been as mad ? she didnt answer . oh, thats what i thought bitch . im NOT stupid . i know and know what not to tell you . so anyways, my life is ruined . she said she doesnt want me anymore . shes tired of me . she doesnt want me in her house . wow . i was a bit shocked, like ... it all comes down to this . i didnt cry . in front of her at least . once i got into the train station with trenee i started BALLIN out tears young omg mann . like what the fuck, i dont wanna go live with my father ! in the fuckin ALABAMA ! i just started crying about everything ! all the ones imma miss . morgan shelby omo, mina, cha, cherri, fi, kenny, mann all of fuckin banneker and jus whole dc and md period . i started cryin even harder when loe popped up into my mind . i cant leave him .. noo not now, not fcking ever . i love that boy young, and we just started out, andd ... i just cant . i canNOT . i never knew my ma would even make me endure something like this . im only 16 . why is she sending me away ? she cant handle me ? i mean, im not a problem child . at least, i didnt think i was . i get good grades, never a problem in school, i dont disrespect anyone, i follow directions . ya know . but i guess, im just not good enough . so i called my father when i got to the movie theater and we had a nice long talk and whatever . he wasnt mad, he said just surprised and a bit diapoointed . he said i was still dumb though lol still young and dumb lol but at least hes udnerstanding . more than my mom will ever be . he said he loves me . i believe him . i love him too . and its funny because me and him used to have a bad relationship . and now its swtiched . but anyways, im moving . away . i never knew, ... i'd go through trials tribulations like this . ive been through ALOT . more than anyone of my parents will understand . but i'm good . this is a process . and i'm learning . i guess . i'm just paying the consequnces right now . but i'm good . all i have, is myself in this world . just me myself, and my angels ..

So basically ...

Things never change . we still ... suck at this communication . he still doesn't answer or probably ignore my text/messages . I still don't care . I'm still not leaving him . for a reason I don't know . I'm still annoyed by this relationship . I still ... really don't wanna be in one . Honestly . so whyyy am I still in it . Because I STILL wanna be with him . becaue I, Nalani Hobbs, STILL thinks that things will change between us and get better ! ...

but it STILL doesn't ...

which still fucking sucks .

whoaa ...

what broad burned Q's clothes ??

if it was even Q ... ?

I need the storyy //

Ayeee .. I'm Coolin'

lol like seriously .

I'm good .
no worries,
no doubts,
no cares,
no trippin',
noo nothings .

I'm Straight .

Finally,

Ughhh, so wishy washyy !!

I hate when I'm like this !

like sometimes I feel like I wanna get in shape, like i WANNA be sexy or have a great bod and whatever nd then theres other days wehn its like mannn i dont even give a fuck, ima be me, && etc. then once i get to those stages i start feelin all sloppy cus everyone gettinready for the summer, and here i am runnin track, not lookin ANY different from the BEGINNING of the year and whatever . its utterly ridiculous . because i wanan be beautiful, i wanna hot, i wanna be sexy blah blah blahhhhhhh ....


anddd ...

i never do it .

It's 12:22 AM ...

&& I'm thinking, ... what do I want .

&& I'm scared to find out . because what I want, I can't have because it isn't realistic because I'm in a situation where I just can't get it .
I hate this .
I hate this .
I hate this .

I mean, ... hey, I can get what I want, trust and belieeeeve That ,
but when I get that, what follows up, are the consequences .
am i willing to suffer to get this ?
pros && cons ?

life isn't hard, but it's definetly challenging .
decisions .
decisions .
decisions .

ARGGH !
SO FRUSTRATING !

Hmm, what's today ? 4/29/09

DANG, this year went by so fast already !

but ummm anyways, my day was quite alright . did NOTT have my note for permission to run, but i ran anyway, cus a lil ass piece of a paper aint gonna stop me. rained as usual . cold as usual .
coach and my mom said i did extremely well . i guess . if i aint come in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd, im just aight, not extremely well . but as long as i dont come in last, im perfectly fine . i hate losing . but whatever . i like track, but it aint my fuckin life . maybe thats why i dont come in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd lol but i dont care, too much .
umm, my chest hurt . i wnt to the docs and took that chest test . thats not what its called but yeahh . im waitin on those results . they might have to give me some medication . mann, fuck it, i aint takin all these damn drugs . i already take pills && creams for my skin .
but when i run, all i gotta do is walk around a bit, and drink some water, and in about 15 minutes i'll be good . something really IS wrong with my chest or heart or whatever but i just dont wanna take medicine for it . i dont know whyy . maybe its cus of pride ? Cus i believe im stronger than that . i'm still runnin, right ? i'm still alive, right ? i'm still breathin, right ? well, okay then . fuck it .
'lets see, .... anythign else ?
oh yeah, im gettin sick of school cus mann, all this work, and deadlines, and then jugglin track and coach expect us to make track our lives, bitch do you NOT know what school i attend ? I attend Benjamin Banneker Academic Senior High School, where grades, and gettin into fuckin college is thier #1 priority, not no fuckin track, so hop off my dick with that . thats the only reason why im really runnin, so i can stay in shape and so she can shut the fuck upp ... plus i made a promise in the beginning of the year that i wouldnt quit . and i keep my word, so I aint stoppin til the last meet . but still .... its just so stressful . but im trying . i really am . hopefully no disappointments . cus i hate disappointing people .

so yeahh .. thats my life currently ..

oh yeah, boyfriend ?
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .... I'll MOST DEFINETLY get back to you on that one when i find out cus im wondering too ...

but goodnight and sweet dreams love,

In The News Today,

Nalani:

If you don't give a damn, I don't give a FUCK .

=]

In Chains ... (Revised && Modified)

of love,
that I can't escape


is this forever ? is this my fate ??
I got addicted right after my very first taste,
now I can't get away i think its too late


but you don't care,
we don't share,
the one heart that we're supposed to
that beats as one like it's supposed to
Are we even meant to be together like i think we're supposed to ??
Love each other EQUALLY like we're supposed to,

well obviously, we don't HAVE to .
Because you're free .
free to leave
free not to love
free to be heartless
free to be anyone else's
free to be chainless,
Unlike Me .

In Chains ...

I Am Locked Up .
In these chains .
of love .
I don't wanna let him go .
but I need to be free ...

I love him .
I love him .
I love him .

but I need me .

I hate feeling like this .

like you dont give a shit about me .

but you really don't, whats the use ?

never felt love this like before,
never been hurt like this before,

dont wanna do this shit no more .

I can't believe I even cried over you .
I don't cry over SHIT . so again, whats the use ?

if this is love ...
I hate this shit .
fuck that shit .
that shit can die .
makes me sickk .

but i cant .... leave .

but i wanna be stronger than that ,
I dont wanna be like those sickk dependent-on-him dumb as shit girls ...

I dont wanna be like that ,
pleeease dont lemme be like that .

Lies .

Okayyy ..

so i told him I loved him back .

becauuuuuse, i really felt like I did .

I've never really loved someone before

and I didnt really know what to experience

cus this is all branddd new . but it felt like

love because ... idk . he feels different . we've

been on and off and like ...

well, ima just put it to you simple .

sometimes i feel like hes bullshitting me . I mean,

I knowww hes flirtateous, cus he looves females .

and i know hes got some on his dick . but im not gonna

trip over that cus, how IMA be mad cus girls like HIM,

but then againnn .. he prolly likes them back too .

i dont know . he says he loves me . but how IIIIII see it,

is that he only loves me, because I make him feel good .

you know how I know ? because we dont have a level of

understanding . we dont talk about shit . unless IMMM

the one asking questions . he doesnt ask me anything .

not that im asking for him to interrogate me, but i mean,

get to know me ! shit . and I feel like, if I ask him a question,

he be gettin all annoyed . i mean, i DOOO ask like a million

but only cus he FORCES me to ! if he engaged in a conversation

with me, then i wouldnt be asking a million . I mean, we DOO talk,

but ... I want to get to know him on a DEEPER level, than just a

simple how-was-your-day type shit . I want to get inside his head,

know how he feels about certain things, etc etc .

idkk . we're not on the same page . not on the same level of

understanding . but i want us to be . in the beggining, he told me

he wanted me to be his girlfriend, his bestfriend, his wifey, his everything ...

i mean, i dont think he was bullshttin me, but .. then again, stick to your word .

if you want me to be all that then act like it . its just frusstrating .

i think he thinks that we dont have problems .

well ... we do . well i do .

is this why i'm so unhappy ?

because he doesnt love me,

Relief .

I was So scared .

like you dont even understand .

that was a life or death situation .

literally .

scariest four minutes of my life .

couldve been OUR lives .

thank God it wasn't, and it was just

Me .

Dependent On Youu ...

But I try not to bee ...

but youre supposed to be there for me .
and youre not .
you claim you lovee me,
where are youu ?

if I am dependent on you, and youre not there,
what the hell am I doing ?

I collapse .

If Shes not there (myyShelby)
&&
If Hes not there (myyLovell)

they both are my halves,
which make Mee ..

and if they are gone, ...

then so am I .

can I function without them ?
Noo .. . I can't =/ .
because they make me whole .
both of them gone, i am torn .

Both of them gone,
where do I go ? what do I do ?

Both are necessities,
without those lives in mine,
there will be techinical difficulties .
like now .

=/

I Love You Shelbyy .

&&

Yes .

I Loooove You Lovell .
I Love You .

Um,

honestly ...

idk, if its just a phase or not cus i'm not usually this wayy
but I'm startin to not give a fuck about anyOne or anyThing .

like, the way I been feeeling, I just wanna say "Fuck Youu && Fuck Off !"
to everyone lol like idc about feelings, or how your day went, or give a fuck about how your life is, or give a fuck about what you thinkk, or give a damn about who you are .

i just dont a fuck about youu .

its about mee .

fuck you kidd .

=] .

Just being Honest .

All he said was "6 month anniversary",

&& that scared the living shit outta me .

SIX MONTHS ?! thats fuckin forever !

its been a month now ... and its like ...

I'm not havin second thoughts or anything but ...

idkk . he scared me away a bit .
He said he loves me .

do i love him ?

I'm hella scared to .
but when I kiss him,
my breathing gets faster,
I want more, more of his
lips EVERYWHERE, even
when he just gives me a
simple peck, i always grab
him and pull him back to
me for more, perhaps cus
i cant get enough, idk
why though, he's just so
tall, i love wrappin my
arms around his neck,
his smooth skin against
mine, his arms around
my waist, it just feels so
right when he holds me,
not eeeeven just him and
his kisses, but even when
he breathes on me, and i
can feel it, is just a
wonderful feeling, i guess
the feeling of him, or
another human being
for that matter, so close
to me, feeling the same
way that i feel, knowing
their heart is in the same
place as mine, is just an
exhilarating feeling ... like
.........................................
paradise . his warm
embrace, him just being
next to mee ... is ....
Heaven .

sorry Jesus .

Mann, ugh ...

get out my face ...

you annoyin as fuckkk ...

*sigh

I feel like shaving off my head .

I'm tired .

She's Speechless .

It's funny .

I was soo pissed at him ...
I didn't talk to him for a whooole 24 hours !
it was excruciating ! Okay, I exaggerated a little,
but it was close enough !
I was missing him soo SOO muchhh, ...

&& so,

on my home, waiting for the train,

I was thinking "whens the last time, someone even said "Nalani, I Love Youu ."

&& it's terrible, because I don't even remember =/

and thenn, when I got to my mother's job, I couldn't take it anymore,

so I text himm lol and we ending up talking a bit, ... and he says

" Bubblegum...I Loveee Youu."

&& I'm just sitting there, and my chest gets tight, like I can't breathe, ...

I said " ... what ?"

He said "I Loveee Youuu."

&& I keep on acting dumb, because I feel ... like I'm in a dream . and I'm

still not believing, and I'm like "what ? I don't understand, what ? why ?" LOL

I'm just ... idkk .

he said I didn't have to say it back,

I'm scared . lol

Okay, Yeha I'm back But Only For A Second; 2nd realization lol

today, we have officially been toegther for a month .

anddd we're mad at each other .

we havent talked allll day .

an EXACT month, anddd first big im-not-talking-to-you-until-you-talk-to-me-first arguemnt .

All I can say is wow .

but hey, this is us .

wonder whats gonna happen next month lol jkkkk

Sometimes,

I be scared to write what i truly feel because i be scared the person im talkin about gonna come on here and read what i wrote and stuff lol but like i said, this blog is for mee, soo should I really give a fuck ? i dont think so because its how IIIII feel, and I shldnt be ashamed of how I feel right ..

so anyways, i'm bein nosy as fuckk .
and I see her .
LOL shes pretty darn pretty .
Prettier than me ?
is she prettier than me ?
She sure as hell got bigger boobies than me lol *not funny
I didnt see her ass no homo lol

but I just be worried sometimes . Im sucha fuckin worrywart .

ughh i hate it when Im like that, i be worryin myself to death .

but i shldnt trip right ? cus I should already know that IMMM wifeyyy .
and IIII come first . or do i really ?

idkk .
fuck; I never knoww .
I gtta stop cussin too .

is he thinkin about me ? or is he thinkin about her ?

whatever;

ew, mann thats why i hate relationships .
cus they so damn complicated, and nervewrecking .
and confusing and fun .
and drama, and laughs, im not gonna say
cries because I'll be damnedddd, ... if IIII Nalani Teruyo Hobbs Cry .

I'm donnnne crying over niggas . been there, done that .
&& i realized .. even from when I was younger, and it still applies
to everyday life, that CRYING GETS YOU NOWHERE ....

so don't do that lame ass whack ass shit .

goodnight .

for now .

until i have something else to think of to type down lol

*get it ? type down, not write down ?? lmfao ! well it was funny to me, okay bye .*

=] .

wow ... calm realization .

I have a boyfriend .



ANDDD ...



idk about himm ... but I care about him, idk if he cares about me .

I ask him how his day went, how his games went, did he win or lose, who they played && etc



but he dont never ask mee nothing . like how did your track meet go ? what place did you get ?



like do you even care about my life ?! lol



like I wanna get to know him inside and out, what hes thinking, how hes feeling, how he doing, is there anything i can do that can help ?



but i feel as though we're not balanced . which we're not . i think; possibly, I care about him more than he'll EVER care about me . nahh, I don't love him, but sometimes I think I do . but how should IIII know what love is ? I've never experienced it . I knowww Im not there yet, cus this nigga keeps me OFF cloud 9 . *sigh . I don't know . There times when I like him soo much that I feel that this is soo right, then other times I feel as though I was a fool for thinkin that in the first place anddd we're just nott meant to be, like we have soo many differences and we are soo alike too .
he is conceited, I am humble .
but we think the same things sometimes and its creepy .
we work well together, I say . we could be Bonnie and Clyde if we wanted to .
we don't really have problems, but I WILL admit, other GIRLS have always been the
problem if there ever was one . if it wasnt for other girls, then we'd be PERFECT . but
all relationships have their flaws . ugh, i hate girls . theyre just too muchh sometimes lol
but anyways, ... we'll see ..

I guess .

Aight fine,

Yeah, Ima bit hurt .

I'll admit it .

Geez .

But I'm chillin .. so it dont even matter .

damn,

just fuck her then .

might as well .

fuckk .

DCIA RELAY CHAMPIONS ... && OTHER NEWS .. I GUESS /

OMG IT WAS RAINING, AND FREEEEEZING COLD !

Im pissed they didnt cancel it ! but Im glad I ran though lol I always say that after a meet. My back is KILLING ME ! I'm hurting ...
I went to the docs the other day and i got a chest x-ray and he talkin about how I cant run no more and if I keep running like I am, then my blood pressure is gonna shoot staright up and Ima just ..

Drop Dead .

Like those marathoners .

I was liiiikke ,,, ... what thee heck ?!

how he gonna tell me ima die and I gotta stop runnin ?!

well .... all i can say is, .. I aint dead yet ! so Ima keep on, keepin on lol

but anyways ... Umm, nothing much is really new .
I still feel the same way about everything . I guess .

I feel like I'm starting to doubt everyone/ everything .

Idk how i feel . I feel,

lost . like ... distant from the world . like cut off .

am I missing something ?

OH YEAH !!

KILL; I MADE HONOR ROLL !

NEVER IN BANNEKER LIFE ... HAVE I ACHIEVED THAT !

sice gaaaaaaaame .

FuckIt

I'm not even gonna lie .

I just don't trust him all the way . I trust him like 90% .

I guess . idkk, I'm just paranoid, .

maybe thats why my relationships dont usually last but so

long lol whatever . i like every thing out in the open . i guess he

doesnt . and I jut cant take it . but i guess thats where trust comes in right ?

DontTripDontTripDontTrip

Its just dumb myspace stuff .

&& its just a stupid picture right ?

I'm alright .
I wassss a little upset ,

but fuck it .

I don't care .

Thanks For Bringing Me Back To Reality,

Thank youuuu Loe .
I think I like this relationship .
He blows me .
Allllll the tiiiime .
&& It hasn't even been a month yet .
Usually, everything is all sweet and lovely in the beginning,
no fights, no being mad, no arguing, no hanging up on the
other, no cussing each other out, everything is perfect,

like Paradise,

like a wonderful Dream, ...

well thanks for WAKING ME THE FUCK UP !

=] .

Just Because I Feel Beautiful

=/ ?

I don't wanna get stuck, . I'm scared . I'm not afraid of going too far . I'm just afraid of it ending . I hate catching feelings, cus then I get attached . like seriously . i just don't wanna get hurt, ya know ?

I mean, I'm not gonna be immature and say i hope we last forever, because i'm just a realistic person, anddd ... i mean its POSSIBLE, but like a 1 in 60,000 lol soo ... idkkk ...

when I love someone, I LOVE them .

*sigh, I'm scared /

This Guyyy ...

I don't even know what to sayy ... I just looove being with him . he makes me smile, laugh, upset, mad, happy . I seen him today, and MANNN, I CANT get enough !! Just everything about himm . he's soo Bossy and I love it lol he's so sweet and cute . he can be a jerk-ass sometimes, but in the end, I always wanna be with him . those lips, his hands, his eyes, his smile, l... did I say those lips ? I just want to be in his arms, or wrap my arms around his waist, and never let go . his skin against mine, feels soo ... wonderful, it might sound weird but i love it when we're so close, that I can feel his breathe on me, .. it feels exhilirating .. idk how to spell it lol I just love being with him, it's like a natural high, like high on cloud 9 . what is cloud 9 anyway ? idk, either way, Im on it lol and aint jumpin down, no time soon ...

Mine

I LOVE HER .

I'm Just Gonna Stop . 09 It's My Time . Fuck You .

I knowwww, I knowwww Ive been complaining and complaining how nobody cares for meee ... or shows me any love or whatever, well fuck all that shit because Im tired of feeling sorry for myself, and being dumped in the dirt and all that jazz . If you don't care about me, fuck you, if you not gonna be there for me, fuck you, if you don't love me, fuck you, if youu can't do nothing for mee, fuck you . what do i need you for ?? There is NOO reason for you in my life, if you have no purpose for me . I'm just livin my life and movin on up, but if you still sittin here tryna hold me back, bringin me down and shit, not havin my back and shit, not carin for me and shit, then fuck you . I don't care . I'm not gettin brand new, more like fed up . but chyeah; ... born in this world alone, gonna make it on my own alone, fuck That ...

OMG TOOTH PULLED !

I JUST PULLED OUT DEFOREST 2ND TOOTH, YAYYYY !!! =D

No Ones Loves Me This I Know, For Your Actions Tell Me So, *tune to Jesus loves me

But seriously .
I'm tired of this .

I'm ready for someone to start caring about Mee .
wondering how My day went, how I feel .
some one to wonder about me .

i sit here, and listen to youu .
thinking about you .
missing you .
loving you .
caring about you .
making sure you're alright .

I try to tell you how I feel, how My day went, && you
be like "ohh, ... well MYY blah blah blahh"

I be thinking "dang, ... ."
&& then I go on and listen to you .
caring about you .

is there anyone ... for me ?

love me unconditionally ?
listen to me ?
care for me ?

Maybe not .

But I am ALWAYS here for You .
Just know that,

you have something, that I'd kill for;

Falling In Love, Noo Not Mee //

I personally thinkkk ... everyone falls in love . I mean, they probably don't realize it, but they do . Like you know when you were young, and you get like REALLY pressed over someone ?

I remember when I was like that lol like when I was in Walker Mill, in 7th grade i used to ADOOOORE this guy name Romell, like OOO MMM GGG . I was SO pressed . I used to collect his school papers, well steal them, used to breathe in sharply the air from when he passed by me, was in Heaven when he looked my way, didnt wanna wash my shirt when his accidentally brushed against mine when walking through the hallss lol I mean, IIIIII think it's love cus, to be cherish the fingertips that have touched you, collect the papers that were written so gracefully by his hands, faint at the sight of his eyes grazing upon yours ... thats love lol

or being obessesed . lol

Mom Meets Boyfriend .

Wow . && I thought it was gonna go badly .

Not too shabby I guess .

At least my stepdad likes him .

well, so does mom .

actually idk if she does . she most definetly avoided my question . i said sooo ... do you like him ? she said "he's nice . his friend is funny ." Bitch, thats not what I asked . But I accepted the answer . Either way, she gonna see more of him . Soo, it doesn't even matter like shit .

Kill; we went over the house to go pick him and up and whatever, both his twin sisters mugged the shit outta me lol I said "Hi ." One waved . lol I was like Damn . Oh well . But other than that, it went pretty smooth .

I Think I Like Us .

Cuurently ....

KILL; I GET OFF TOMORROW !!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS .

sice game ..

ummm what was I gonna say ??

oh yeah, omg I think Tobi's mad at me !

I felt so guilty, and sad because ...

yeah; damn . but anyways, my day went okay .

Kill; I gotta C is PRESLEY, i was SOO siceddd . No F ! =D

But umm, next subject .

I think he be ignoring me or sometimes, he just doesnt

care . like about me; in general . i mean, i feel as though he

is just attracted to me, and i'm cool to talk to and whatever, but sometimes i feel like

we be up and down, and i hate thattt . but thats what he said a relationship is .

which it is . so i'll go through with it, I guess . I mean, i know i keep saying it, but this

relationship thing is new to meee ... andddd ... I'm not used to this long term stuff like he is

but im willing to go through with it because I like him alottt, ... and I need someone,

not even someone; but a special someone, to look forward to, to make me feel good,

to meet my needs, to be with and the whole KaBlammm . and I'm tired of trying to

"talk" to someone and then we end up not even "talkin" for that long, so thennn I gotta put

ALL that effort into looking for someone else; giving my trust which is wayyy too muchhh, so

I'm pretty darn good with Lovell . he makes me happy, makes me LAAAAUGH, omgg lol makes

me smile, he just ... just ... idkk . he's good though . I'm glad . and thankful . cus i never

thought i'd be in a relationship for a good minute . or at least not until my senior year .

but, I'm just living my life as it flows apparently .

I guess, I'm satisfied . I just have some things to get used to .

CRACKK ADDICT

I'M GOING PRETTY CRAZYYY HEERE !!

I NEED MY CRACKK, JUST GIMME GIMME GIMME !!!
I ...

I JUST .... JUST ....

miss Lovell ... =/

I'm Sorry But ...

Just EVERYTIMEEE ....

I get soo pissed at him !

I'm just stop going to the page, cus everytime I look,

it just ... makes me think he's a liar even more .

No, he ISS a liar .

Joke .

That's all we were . A Joke .

A Big Fat Onee ...

Mixed

I don't knowww ....

Can I do this ?
I don't know if I can ...

this is soo new and complicated ...

up and down, highs, and lows, sweets and sours,

blah blah blahhh ...

Everyday .

Everyday, you have something to say,
Everyday, you act so fake
I really don't know whats wrong with you,
keep talking shit, youre such a fool
i'm restless and tired of your shit,
you have no life, youre such a bitch
why you act like that, I do not know
one day you'll get yours, that's fuh sho'

LOL

I trieddd ...

but that fuckin nigga, ... fuck, EVERYDAYY ... evry single one ...

complain.
complain.
complain.

nag.
nag.
nag.

shut THEE FUCK UP !

I don't understand why you have to start something with me !
if I don't know what happened on the news, then i don't FUCKIN KNOW !
fuckk; I wasnt listening, damn .
I didnt think it was that serious .
if you wanna know whats on the fuckin news,

READ THE PAPER
WATCH FUCKIN TV
LISTEN TO THE RADIO

damn dumbass .

but you know what ??

I'ma stop gettin mad over dumb fucks like that .
wasting my time . making me mad as shit .
for no fucking reason .

thats the only thing that gets you hard ! is making me mad !
does that make your day ??
does that make you happy ?

oh waittt ...


I don't give a fuck .

ARGGHH

OMGGG ... I HAAAAAAAAATE this punishment thinggg !
This soo totally sucks !
like alll the OTHER times I was on punishment, it went by soo fast ! but thiisssss time its going sooo slowly ! I wanna hang with bestfriend, and I wanna see my freakin boo !

&& I CAN'T !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S SO FUSTRATINGGG !!!

everyone keeps naggin me ! "when are you gettin off again?" "yo ass need a phone asap"

blah blah blahh,
I hate when people state the obvious mann,
like AH DOY I knowwwwwww i need a friggin phone girl !MAnn

SnuggleMuffins =D

Only Cus He Asked Me To lol He's such a crybaby lol

Fuck ... You .

Fuck you . Fuckkk Youuu . FUCKK YOUU . Figgity FFlickity Fluckity Fuck Yer Bitch Azz .

You make me soo fuckin mad, words can't ever explain how much you anger me, just everytime I see your lips about to form to make a comment, I just already wanna slap the shit out your faace . you have NOTHINGG better to do with your life, than make mine a living hell . you are soo fucking negative just seeing your face, makes me want to step out and go into a another room to avoid you . you disgust me. WHAT THEE FUCK HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU ? Nothing . So FUCK YOUUUUU !!!!! FUCK YOUR LIFE, FUCK EVERYTHING HURTFL YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME, FUCK YOUR MOUTH FROM THE WHERE THE WORDS EVEN FORM TO BE THROWN SO VISCIOUSLY, JUST EVEVERYY FUCKING TIME, YOU BLOW MEEE ...
I just don't understand why you attack me like that . I try my hardest, but in your eyes I'll never amount to anything . you don't believe in me, so fuck you . i hate that you underestimate me, doubt me, have no faith in me, Am I a FAilure to you ?
BITCH YOUR A FUCKING FAILURE, FUCK IS YOU SAYING .


Fuck .

Just Fuck anyone, and everyone . Fuck them damn teachers, they don't give a fuck about us . I just want my damn grades bitch, and I'm out, I don't need youu . Fuck those fake bitches, I could care less, in the end, -noo not even the end, RIGHT NOWWW, I already know who my real bitches are, soo basically we ALL are playing a game, you dumb fuckss ....


Kill; hate is a strong word, but damn ... I just ....


mann, Fuck You .

Parents Parents Parents

Nicca not evennnn my parent .

he so damn annoying, like young, get the fuck up out my face .

always complaining about something, so damn pessimistic .

my Stepfava is a mess . always got somethin to say .

Boyy .

It's Been 5 Days,

So far so good ...

we'll of course cus it's the beginning .

but we match soo .... so nicely .

&& I like him soo much .

mann ... thats my boo . my babyy . my snugglemuffins LOL

&& I'm his bubblegummmmm .... =D .

I miss him liiike ... alot . lol i always miss him =/

Kill, he made me tell my mother that we're together,

I was SOO scared lol cus she told me she didn't like him ! LMAO

I meann ... I WASSS gonna tell her, but i didnt know whennn ...

but we was on the phone and he was like
"You better tell her within the next 24hrs!"

I was like
"umm ..."

But i wrote her a letter instead, and she was like Ok .

I was SOOOOOOO SURPRISEDDDD !!

but soo happy =]]]

So I guess she doesnt mind .

now we're all happy ! except for me,

cus I miss him =/

Mann ... Fuckk

I think .... People know .
I shouldn't have told anyone .
I'm such a fool .

I feel ... I don't know .

Scared ?

My Life Currently

I have a boyfriend now . I havent had one inn ... forever . khari doesnt wanna claim me so fuck him then, he wasnt my boyfriend then . but my last official boyfriend was like dec.07/jan.08 i believe ... yeah . Bernard . && its funny now cus he's with Swagg Team . I never knew . I was like woww . He looks good though . he's known as "White Boi" . oops gues I shouldnt have said Bernard lol I forgot his last name ... idk oh well, ...

but anyways, a week and half more to go 'til freedom rings . mann I can't wait ! Me && Shelby are gonna go shopping, ima buy me a laptop w/ webcam, ima have clothes galore, ima spend time with my boo, mann Ima be set . the only thing that can kill that right now ... are my grades .

mann ... I had a fuckin F in Presley . maddddd as ever mann . i wouldve said mad as shit but im tryna stop using profanity .

1. cus it's bad for your soul .. and its just bad period .
&&
2. my boyfriend always tells me to watch my mouth anyways soo yeah .

but ummm ... i should have an A in French, prolly a C in Geo ... C in Englishh, ... Ummm ... A or B in Chemistry ... A in Health ... uhhm ... yeahh . dang, thats wayyy better than last quater . much more A's . nevermind, Ima be good .

I think I'm finally happy with my life right now . My report card should be okay, got green stashed away, about to get me a job, get the license, me and bestfriend on point, and I got me a boo lover .

hmm ... 09 ain't lookin too shabby ...

What A Day !

Okay remember what I said yesterday about all those guys ?

geez it's like I have updates EEEVERYdayy . but anyways,
I thought I saw Q today when I was on the 70 with Deja, we both hopped off that thanggg and ran back to the rec center, matter fact, it wasnt even him . lol we was soo blownn . But I really don't know where he is or what he's doing . he not at work, not on facebook, well I havent been to the rec in a minute anyway, soo I cant really say about that one .

But umm, I saw Lovell this morning lol he was soo mean ! i think he was only being that way cus his friend was there, but I ain't even gonna trip . he was prolly happy to see me; he just didnt show it . cus on myspace he was like i miss you sooo muchhh, i want you to be my everything, my gurlfriendd, bestfriendd, wifeyy, and blah blah blahhh ...
and then once i see him today he "playfully" punched me in my face, and pulled my hair and whateverrr ... idkk .. whatever .

so anyways, i saw Tobiiii ......... &&& .... thats all I'm gonna say lmao

so after I left with Tobi, i went down gallery to meet Deja, and she wasnt there so i waited for her . shit; make a long story short, this boy booked me . and he was real cute . his name is chris . he is 17 . lol ummm ... I told him I didnt have a boyfriend, ...butttt ... Lovell ??
Like me and him are almost to that point,
but chris is cute and something newwww ....

idkkk ....

Niggas ... Ugh ,

So Look .

News News News .

Hosea has a girlfriend .
like what the hell . boys are soo dirty . why would
he try to talk to me if he already had one ? Man, Fi
was right, niggas around there do be jah rollin' but
whatever . So HE'S outtt ..

"Next in line, please step forward"

So I'm on facebook n' shit, right ?
&& I go on Q's page n' shit right ?

&& His status issss .... we gonna make this work ..
and his ex made a comment sayin "im glad you
have a positive attitude about this && i'm happy
&& etc etc, blah blah blahhh ..." && so then I go
on to HERRR page, and her status was I love the
surprise that Q gave me, and I'm planning the
vacation that me and Q are going on && I'm like ...
AYE YOUNG WHAT THE FUCK .
but you know what ??

I'm not even gonna trip .
I knew the nigga was a joke .

but why should I even be mad ??
i mean i diiiiid say that I wasn't
tryna mess with him no more .

Aight aight aighttttt ....

I'm done .


Now, .... Lovell ..

I haven't found any faults yet .
cus this is HIS second chance .
&& I really really really like him .

but majorty of my friends don't and my
mom and dad don't like him lol b/c ...
yeah . but i believe in second chances ...

oh well . we'll see .

Haven't Blogged In a Hot Minute ...

Has anything even happened ? Well, omg I saw WILL .. i Havent seen him in years, ... well maybe like a year in a half ... he has grown up SOO much ... my goodness . but he looks so good ! yummyyyy lol but anyways, i think me and lovell are heading in that direction AGAIN ... lol

my mom and dad are gonna KILL me, let alone, the rest of my friends ... lol welle veryone deserves another chance right ?

and me and Q ... it feels like our relationship is definetly dead lol like now he sends me a message saying he misses me ,,, welllllll ... sorry bud but i dont miss youuuuu . lol i DO miss his kisses on my cheek, they were always so passionate and soft, MANNN ! lol wooooo ..... but umm ...

i REALLY want Hosea .... i mean not REALLY REALLY, but i wanna see him, get to know him, but Fi says hes a rolla, ... like evrey other nigga around 5th ,... but hes so cute ! so chocolate .... with that tattoo on his face, ... man he real cute . but then again deja say he not a rolla ...

and idk who/what to believe . i suggest that i just find out for myself .

so umm ... thats three boys ? Loe, Q, && Zae ? Im just not gonna make any commitments .

Q has his own problems that he needs to solve before comin to ME, idk if Ima take Loe seriously, cus ... i just dotn trust him ? but I miss himmmmm lol && Zae, I wanna chill with him, but I

dont wanna get played . so Ima just go with the flow, just have fun, ... not really lookin for a

relationship . well maybe . i dont knowww .. im 16 . what the hey .

R.I.P. ARNELL, WE MISS YOU MANN .....

MANNN, I'M HURTIN FOR FI REAL BAD RIGHT NOW, EVERYTHING GONNA BE ALRIGH THOUGH, HE IN A BETTER PLACE NOW, DONT WORRY, CRY OUT ALL YOUR TEARS, CUS YOU GONNA GET THROUGH THIS, AMNNN THIS IS TOUGH . MANN EVERYONE MISS YOU ARNELL, SAVE US A PLACE UP THERE, GOD BLESS YOUR SOUL MANN ...

Once a Fool, Always a Fool ...

Yeahh ... pretty muchh . either that or I'm overreacting ??



but ummmm ... last time I checked, it was against the law to cook dinner for your ex when youre talking to someone else, .... or is that okay ??



Am I being played here ???



I've gone through stuff like this, like where simple things happen, and I don't think nothing of it, and then other people say, it's SO obvious that he's playing you ... and I stick with him anyway ... like .. I'm sucha retard ...



I KNEWWWW in the beginning, ... that this was ... or it seemedddd ....

UNREAL . like what the hey . buttt .... i mean ... dang .

Worst Birthday

ha ha haaa ! this is a bitch . but its a laugh . i hope she doesnt expect me to kiss her butt and ask for forgiveness . i'll be damned if i keep saying sorry . this is life . and ima keep living it . no cell phone . she broke it and threw the damn thing out the window . she took all my money . all $700 of it . she says no computer . I don't care . I really don't . I mean, I'm tired of being in trouble . && I don't know why she's so surprised I did that . she don't lemme do nothing . I don't be going out, I don't party, I hardly hang with friends, she canceled all my plans that I wanted to do for my birthday, and it was soo boring . and she's so surprised and upset that I wanna have a little fun . I mean, what I did was jah dangerous, especially since his ass couldnt even drive good and he ain't know where he was going lol retard . but still, she won't lemme gave any fun, soo I was just tryna make fun for myself . ya know ? I'm 16 and whatever, annddddd I can't even go party for that ? I don't care about material things like laptops, and money and whatever, I mean that stuff is great, but all I really want is my freedom . well, thats out the window . but whatever . i wodner when this is gonna blow over . and none of my family even said happy birthday to me . i dont think they really give a fuck about me . well i dont care about them either ... I'm just so dumb and stupid to them ... LMAO I could care less what they think . i'm still Nalani . still failing at everything . not caring about nothing ... ahh what a life .

Doubtful Thoughts, ... Regrets ?

Dang ! I havent blogged in a minute ! but maybe cus nothing much has been going on . well sorta , i dropped lovell and met this guy . funny cus, lovell wants me back . and i dont want him . and its even HILAAARIOUS cus i used to like him SOOO much ! omg, soo much , but anyways, new guy is awesome . well its the beggining of course he would be . but anyways, he just got out of a two year relationship, liiike late january . and we've been talking since like february 9th . and i dont think that was enough time for him to be ... idk, detached from her ? i mean, he still loves her, i dont have a problem with that, but a TWO YEAR relationship, like a SERIOUS relationship, and then less than a month later, he's all into me . it just seems too good to be true . theres alot of details i left out of why this relationship between me and him is complicated but anyways, i went to her facebook page and whatever and she still loves him ! like a whole lot ! and what they had was special; it seems . and here i come, all draggin along with my lonely self ... and they have a kid together ! i dont know if i can do that ! i mean, his child is NOT the problem, i LOVE children, but its just that i personally think, he might wanna ... take some time to think about what he's doing ? cus i mean, they love each other, and they've only been seperated for a little more than a month, and you shoudlnt give up on love like that ! && im also scared because i feel as though, if we're together, and he decides that he really is in love with her still, and leaves me, MYYY feeelings are gonna get hurt, and then ima feel like a dumbass cus i shouldve known on the first place that they love each other, and i should NOT be the one to come in between them . i just feel like a mistake . a big BIG mistake . *sigh ...

Most Beautiful, ...

OMG so I'm coming from track practice right, walking down Florida ave to go to the station, and at that particular avenue, they play loud gogo while crackheads and crazy unks dance . so i'm walking and whatever, crossing the street from the cvs, and theres this unk, but i pay him no mind so anyway, I heard this voice to my left, and it was singing . && I mean SINGING . like blowin out vocals ! it was this man, or young man, idk ... he was too far away to see, but I could hear him loud and clearly . i dont know if he was a unk too or not, i didnt really care . so my dumbass stops like in the middle of the intersection, because his singing was so beautiful and mezmorizing ! and I'm just keep staring, && he's blowing out such sweet wonderful melodies and chords, my mind is just lost, but my feet keep moving so then i bump into something, and it was the unk from before ! i said umm ew, excuse me lol && keep walking to the station .

that man could SINGG . so gorgeous, so beautiful . i dont know who he is, and i know I'll never find out, .. but I hope he's there again sometime, ...

I AM Imperfect .

and I'm not satisfied all the time, but me is all i got, and all I have . and I only have this one chance to be me and do it to the best of my ability . because I have one life . im not gonna be perfect . never . thats a damn guranteed . I'm not the prettiest thing out here, I'm not the greatest friend, and i'm not the greatest daughter . I'm not the best person, even when I try to be . I'm just a human . Human . all I am . I have a speech impediment . I stutter . it's really embarrassing because people choose to laugh at me . and thats why sometimes I dont ask things or am quiet at times because I know that i'm going to stutter . like I can feel it on the tip of my tongue . and I choose to be quiet . i hate that I have it . I also have big feet . and I dont have many cool shoes because of this . yes, I shop at payless, and chucks surely do me some justice . but sometimes I want to be girly and wear heels and sexy pumps .. but I can never . because they dont have them in my size . what is a girl supposed to do ? I cant wear chucks to a wedding ? not to church, not when giving a formal speech . is that why boys don't like me ? because I can't be sexy ? or because they dont like girls with bigger feel than themselves ? they don't like girls who wear dirty chucks with writings on them ? well there is my flaw . stutterer with big feet and small boobs . yeah . they make fun of me for that too . my breasts are small . they are . i used to be ashamed . i use to pray for bigger boobs . but not all prayers get answered ? sometimes, I still AM ashamed . people just make stupid comments .

"can I give you some of mine?"

"why are you boobs so small ??"

"hey did you know your boobs are really small ?"

"I'm sorry, I know I keep saying it, but ummmm ... youre tits are so little lol"

oh, I'm sorry ! I'm blind ! no, I didnt know they were that small ! oops, MY BAD, theyre so small I forget them bad boys were there ! what the fuck . people dont realize that the comments they make really do have affect on people . but life ... is most definetly life .

Call me Mommy LOL jkkkk ...

isnt he a cutiee ??

And This Is What I Do For You ...

and you and you and youuu . I never feel aprreciated . I always pay attention, always here to listen, never to blow you off, you can always trust me, I will never give you up, and this is what I get ? . Geez .
Same game, same players . I'm always crying, I'm always upset, I'm never happy anymore, I don't care about anything anymore. Yeah, I was right .

New Year, New Me .

This IS new . I've never been so unhappy, I've never cried so much in such a short period of time. Everythings going downhill, down the drain. Things don't work out for me, I'm never appreciated, never cared about, no one doesn't show any love to me . I've never experienced love before. But I sure am waiting . I'm hoping it feels better than what i'm going through cus i feel like shit. I am some shit . My life is some shit . This year has started off horribly so far . It just feels like the world is just saying fuck you, so i'm just saying it back . I get fed up with everything, it's like ... I don't know . I just need a hug maybe ? But all I have is me . and that's the only one I need to love me back . I'm satisfied with just that .

I just be getting so angry, that I can't breathe and I start shaking, and my tears flow uncontrollably. I dont know why I get like that, and then i get these terrible headaches from getting so angry in the first place . I hate feeling like that because I feel out of control . I just pray and hope that things get better ...

whatever .

&& She Continues To Blow ....

why does she keep doing this ? She just blows like , .. my life . my everyday . just me . wdf . is this like her purpose in life now ? does she have NOTHINGGGG else to do with herself ?

this son of a gun .. left ME in the freezing cold . while she went to the mall .

for a fucking HOUR . my stepdad had to come get me ! like we were supposed to go to the freakin Verizon store to get me a new phone, I'm on the bus and I tell her I'm like 5min away . she doesnt respond . I call her cell phone . no answer . call the house twice . no fuckingggg answer . i call her work phone, thennn she wants to answer . I argue, I get mad, I kirk off . she told me to go wait in a motherfucking burger king ! the BURGER KING !! ughhh !! I can't STAND her mann .. why the fuck would she do that . so much for living in west bubble fuck . it's so stupid and fucking lame in Accokeek . it's dumb as shit ! DON'T COME HERE ! YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED !!

But anyways, my life like ... completely sucks . I'm almost 16, and still stuck in these dumb ass dilemmas .

Ahh ... fuck this shit .

Hop Off My Fat Penis Mommm ...

Like geez man, what the heckk .. we've already been through this .

okay so i have "American Hoes" on my red chuck .... she keeps askin, why is that on there ? people gonna think you have a bad reputation, that isnt good, blah blah BLAHHHHHH !!

okay, 1st off, I could care less what people think, its MY friggin shoe,

and IDK why I put that on there, I just felt like it ! Leave me alone ! it just two words, she acts

like it says Fuck Bitches Get Money, orrr .... I love Penis, idk, but she trippin ! goshh, it's not even that serious . I'm a teenager, I'm GONNA do some things she doesnt understand. Ima do things even I won't understand. sooo ... she needs to hop of my wee wee and just let it go .

Aye Aye Yo !

Mannn ... it's just real real funny ... how . I was real pressed at first . now its like ... I dont give a fuck . you can stay . you can leave . you dont have to talk to me ever again . or you can text me 24hours a day if you want . you can lie . you can be real . i just really ... really ... dont give a damn . lol anddd ... i just dont understand how ... the way I feel can change so quickly ... like it didnt even happen in the 1st place . it's like, my feelings have disappeared . i mean, yeahh ... i still like you and all but ... they just not as hot as they used to be . the flames died down baby . what happened ? you tell me this time . its o9 baby . you can play games but i'm not . i gave you the deal . i'm here . i'm real . this is me . now it's your turn . but listen,

you do you . and tell me what you want . cus if it isn't this, ... then I ain't trippin .

things happen ,

Lovell

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems ...

Just no money, just alot of problems . the championships sucked . i certaintly sucked . mannn ... it feel like I fail at every fucking thing I do . I don't get good grades . I came in close to last . according to my mom, I can't do nothing right . my brother has everythingg mann . this lil nigga got a laptop, he's 12 ... im almosy 6teen yung, all i got is a ipod, cam && a cell phone . he got all 3 plus this damn laptop, a tv thats flatout that got CABLE, my tv just play movies and got 2 channels yung, what thee fuckk . he got money, he make honor roll, sonnn he be goin to parties and shitt ... lol yung, i'm not even hatinn ... this yung nigga ballinnn ... i give him his props .

he tite lol . I'm not necessarily comparing him to me, .. its just that ... idkk mann .. i'm always on punishhmentt . im not a bad kid . my grades just be fucked up . not eeven bad though, i got one B and the rest c's on my report card . my brova be bussin out A's and B's and sht . my mova aint do NOO better than me in high school, why cant she just accept im not good in some subjects ?

I do my best mann ... and she just cant accept that . oh well yung, ... i'm me . Nalani . her first born . her failure . her own personal Fiasco .

but fuck that, .. this is all I got .

I Laugh Myself Silly, ...

LOL LMAO LMFAO LLS !!

I'm such a silly little girl ! I'm so paranoid, and I be trippinnnnn .....
I see everything so negative ...
and it really be positive ....
ahhh, you guys dont get it . it's an insider . between me and I . Him and me .

I'm just love's fool is all .... =]]] .

Punishment ...

Ugh mann . I dont even know whyyyy im on punishment . I'm not even a bad kid . But my grades are lol and that's why I'm on punishment lol and my mom said I'm gonna be in more trouble if my grades havent improved ! and I already know my grades for 2nd advisory ! i got 3 C's ! and I'm terrified I'm not gonna get to go out or see anyone, and Ima be real upset if I'm punished on my birthday mann ... which i probably will . but mannn ... uughh . I hate my life . it sucks . I can't go NOWHERE . not even with him . how the heck are we gonna make this official if I cant go nowhere ? wtf mann . and I wanna tell him to move on cus I dont wanna keep him waiting ! I'm a loser ? who keeps their spouse waiting ? [is he even my spouse yet?] but I dont want him to leave !! I wanna be with him, but I dont want him to wait for my sorry self . lol
idkkk what ima do . All I can do right now, is just wait it out . and see where the hell this goes .

Sweet 16 ... or nothing at all .

Ohh myy goodness . okay, so ... I LOOOVE New York . I'm absolutely in love with that state . my mother promised me we can go take the train up there LAST SUMMER . we never went . so she promised to take me for my 16th birthday . and you know youre SWEET SIXTEEN IS A BIG MOTHERFUCKING DEAL . and going to New York for a weekend is nothing compared to those kids having big ole' 100,000cash parties . she's promised to me to go to New York since for FOREVER . and its my birthday . so thats TWICE a reason to go . so she planned it . booked
a hotel . got our train tickets . planned fucking EVERYTHING .
then ... she wants to CANCEL on me . omg . do you know how FUCKING PISSED OFF I WAS ???? I wanted to fucking kill EVERYONE AND their mom . ommggg . I swear I couldve wrecked anyone anywhere at that moment . I have never been that angry in a long ass mutherfuckin time . yung . omg . just thinking about it makes me upset all over again .
but anyways, I'm going there for college so fuck you mom ! HA HAAA !! sike nahh, but forreal .
but she said I can go to the Justin Nozuka concert instead ! which is only like $15 at the 930 club at 8pm on a school night ! wooo hooo !! I'm in there like swim wear ! AAND I'm coloring my hair . she better let me get my 4th hole too . but all this stuff is under $30 for my birthday . nothing compared to the New York trip or the $100,000 rich kids party . soo .. whatever . and she even fuckin siced my head by asking what kind of laptop did I want . and how much money did I want for my birthday . I was humble and said I didnt have to get a laptop, and I don't need much money, since we're in a recession and shit . I'ma just be grateful for another year . which i really am . sooo fuck a sweet sixteen . thanks for 16 years God . But I'm still a little upset about the New York thingg . lol

Track !!

Mannn ... I remember my first meet . how scary ! now mann ... I'm waitin for some competition !
I LOVE running ! the competition is fierce and I love intimidating those other girls ! little do they know, they intimidate ME . lol I be so nervous before a meet, I have to take a shit before I warm up lol like seriously . mann, I love gettin into my track shoes, lace them babies up, and feel the spikes dig into the track while I do some high knees to loosen up before I run, touch my toes to stretch my legs a little and shake my arms to get all the nervousness out . then I bounce up and down on my toes to stretch my calves . The track is my world . I hate and love it with a passion . I hate when I see my self running though on a video . I look so ugly and sloppy ! my butt is GINORMOUS in spandex and I look retarded . but my legs are defined, so its cool lol but I still don't like how I look cus I look so big and sloppy, with thick everything, and all the other girls are all little and petite, or tall and lean . I'm like the only tall thick one . I'm just disgusted . and my butts all jiggly lol ARRGGHH .
but anyways, omg last sunday [jan.25th.09] I ran the 400 and I came in 2nd place !! omg I was PRESSED ! I couldnt even believe it ! then for the 200, I came in 3rd ! I was like DAMN NALANI ! you on point shawtyy ! lol But yeahh ... point blank: I love track bitch .

First Time

Well, this is my first entry . && I'm kindofff ... okay with this I guess . I've had an Xanga before but ummm .... I keep forgetting about it . I don't know if anyone is gonna read these blogs, but they are made solely for me and only me to express my thoughts without anyone judging me . I have a gazillion of thoughts rushing through my head eveyday . && I hate that sometimes I don't write them down . But I'm more of a computer person, so this really good . I just hope I keep up with this stuff, as seeing how the Xanga thing went ... anywhoo ..

lets get started ... I guess .