Past Has Come Back To Haunt Me,

Shit .

I hate this . i keep doing this . and i thought i was over it . i thought i was better . i thought i was healed . but apparently im not . i cant stop . i cant help it .

im just so stupid
stupid
stupid .

i keep overeating .

when i was younger, i had an eating disorder, i used to binge, and then i tried to be anorexic

but i was never successful, becausee tryna starve yourself and then eat everything in the fucking refrigerator doesnt work . ive had self esteem problems and family problems so i used to take it out on eating . i was 12 and weighed 20 pounds more than my mother who had a perfect hourglass figure . and that made it worse, cus all MY crushes and all my BAIT, wanted her ...

which made me turn to anorexia so i can be thin ... and skinny ... and beautiful . just like her . she'd wear tube tops and short shorts ... and her long beautiful hair swayin all the way down to her butt ... and then it be my ass sittin on the other side, staring at the model from a distance ... wishing i was her .. wishing i was my mother for just a few moments .. see what heaven was like ...

i'd try EVERYTHINGGG to be skinny ... pills, drinks, not eating, drink water all day, i'd subscribe to those anorexic help websites .... i was reallly determined ... to be skinny . those skinyn girls were ... and ARE .. in some aspects ...still beautiful to me .

but i read this article ... about how like alcoholics, drug users, anorexics, binge eaters, and etc can be healed, and stuff, and wont do it anymore, like theyre a brand new person .... but if .. they get pushed to a certain point, or just near it ... they will go back to it ...

and IIIII ...

have gone back to it . and i AM ashamed . and embarrased .

because today ... well, last night, my mom bought me some leftovers from this japanese restauarant and i ate it all up, ... andthere was some for my stepdad too ... and ...

i ate that shit up . and i felt so guilty cus when he came downstairs, .. he didnt have

anything to eat =/ i felt SO bad, like i wanted to kill myself . and he asked did anyone eat it ?

everyone said no . he asked me did i eat both, ... i said noo ... i only ate the one mommy gave

me ... and he just sighed ... and asked my gramma did she throw it away ... and of course she

denied it . and NALANI is the FATASS FUCK !! shit .

ive done that shit before too . when we was havin chicken wings . and i had like 8 (cus babyGirl can eat! LOL) and ray got home late ... and all he had was 2 little wings ... and he was like "is this all i get ? wheres the rest of the food ??" and he looked straight at me cus he knows i eat alot ... and too much, and my mother makes comments and stuff ....

and for once .. my mother took up for me and said "i gave the leftovers to accent *my Dog* cus you usually bring your own food home *which he sometimes does* so we didnt know !" and he aint say nothing else ... and i felt so badd ... i wanted to throw up everything i ever ate and shitted out ... . i hate that shit . cus theres so many people who dont have anything to eat ... and here i am ... being so greedy . and i KNOW i have a problem ... and i TRY sooo hard ...

to eat right, to eat the right amount of portions ... but my past always, and always will ... come back to haunt me .