Hmm, what's today ? 4/29/09

DANG, this year went by so fast already !

but ummm anyways, my day was quite alright . did NOTT have my note for permission to run, but i ran anyway, cus a lil ass piece of a paper aint gonna stop me. rained as usual . cold as usual .
coach and my mom said i did extremely well . i guess . if i aint come in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd, im just aight, not extremely well . but as long as i dont come in last, im perfectly fine . i hate losing . but whatever . i like track, but it aint my fuckin life . maybe thats why i dont come in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd lol but i dont care, too much .
umm, my chest hurt . i wnt to the docs and took that chest test . thats not what its called but yeahh . im waitin on those results . they might have to give me some medication . mann, fuck it, i aint takin all these damn drugs . i already take pills && creams for my skin .
but when i run, all i gotta do is walk around a bit, and drink some water, and in about 15 minutes i'll be good . something really IS wrong with my chest or heart or whatever but i just dont wanna take medicine for it . i dont know whyy . maybe its cus of pride ? Cus i believe im stronger than that . i'm still runnin, right ? i'm still alive, right ? i'm still breathin, right ? well, okay then . fuck it .
'lets see, .... anythign else ?
oh yeah, im gettin sick of school cus mann, all this work, and deadlines, and then jugglin track and coach expect us to make track our lives, bitch do you NOT know what school i attend ? I attend Benjamin Banneker Academic Senior High School, where grades, and gettin into fuckin college is thier #1 priority, not no fuckin track, so hop off my dick with that . thats the only reason why im really runnin, so i can stay in shape and so she can shut the fuck upp ... plus i made a promise in the beginning of the year that i wouldnt quit . and i keep my word, so I aint stoppin til the last meet . but still .... its just so stressful . but im trying . i really am . hopefully no disappointments . cus i hate disappointing people .

so yeahh .. thats my life currently ..

oh yeah, boyfriend ?
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .... I'll MOST DEFINETLY get back to you on that one when i find out cus im wondering too ...

but goodnight and sweet dreams love,

In The News Today,

Nalani:

If you don't give a damn, I don't give a FUCK .

=]

In Chains ... (Revised && Modified)

of love,
that I can't escape


is this forever ? is this my fate ??
I got addicted right after my very first taste,
now I can't get away i think its too late


but you don't care,
we don't share,
the one heart that we're supposed to
that beats as one like it's supposed to
Are we even meant to be together like i think we're supposed to ??
Love each other EQUALLY like we're supposed to,

well obviously, we don't HAVE to .
Because you're free .
free to leave
free not to love
free to be heartless
free to be anyone else's
free to be chainless,
Unlike Me .

In Chains ...

I Am Locked Up .
In these chains .
of love .
I don't wanna let him go .
but I need to be free ...

I love him .
I love him .
I love him .

but I need me .

I hate feeling like this .

like you dont give a shit about me .

but you really don't, whats the use ?

never felt love this like before,
never been hurt like this before,

dont wanna do this shit no more .

I can't believe I even cried over you .
I don't cry over SHIT . so again, whats the use ?

if this is love ...
I hate this shit .
fuck that shit .
that shit can die .
makes me sickk .

but i cant .... leave .

but i wanna be stronger than that ,
I dont wanna be like those sickk dependent-on-him dumb as shit girls ...

I dont wanna be like that ,
pleeease dont lemme be like that .

Lies .

Okayyy ..

so i told him I loved him back .

becauuuuuse, i really felt like I did .

I've never really loved someone before

and I didnt really know what to experience

cus this is all branddd new . but it felt like

love because ... idk . he feels different . we've

been on and off and like ...

well, ima just put it to you simple .

sometimes i feel like hes bullshitting me . I mean,

I knowww hes flirtateous, cus he looves females .

and i know hes got some on his dick . but im not gonna

trip over that cus, how IMA be mad cus girls like HIM,

but then againnn .. he prolly likes them back too .

i dont know . he says he loves me . but how IIIIII see it,

is that he only loves me, because I make him feel good .

you know how I know ? because we dont have a level of

understanding . we dont talk about shit . unless IMMM

the one asking questions . he doesnt ask me anything .

not that im asking for him to interrogate me, but i mean,

get to know me ! shit . and I feel like, if I ask him a question,

he be gettin all annoyed . i mean, i DOOO ask like a million

but only cus he FORCES me to ! if he engaged in a conversation

with me, then i wouldnt be asking a million . I mean, we DOO talk,

but ... I want to get to know him on a DEEPER level, than just a

simple how-was-your-day type shit . I want to get inside his head,

know how he feels about certain things, etc etc .

idkk . we're not on the same page . not on the same level of

understanding . but i want us to be . in the beggining, he told me

he wanted me to be his girlfriend, his bestfriend, his wifey, his everything ...

i mean, i dont think he was bullshttin me, but .. then again, stick to your word .

if you want me to be all that then act like it . its just frusstrating .

i think he thinks that we dont have problems .

well ... we do . well i do .

is this why i'm so unhappy ?

because he doesnt love me,

Relief .

I was So scared .

like you dont even understand .

that was a life or death situation .

literally .

scariest four minutes of my life .

couldve been OUR lives .

thank God it wasn't, and it was just

Me .

Dependent On Youu ...

But I try not to bee ...

but youre supposed to be there for me .
and youre not .
you claim you lovee me,
where are youu ?

if I am dependent on you, and youre not there,
what the hell am I doing ?

I collapse .

If Shes not there (myyShelby)
&&
If Hes not there (myyLovell)

they both are my halves,
which make Mee ..

and if they are gone, ...

then so am I .

can I function without them ?
Noo .. . I can't =/ .
because they make me whole .
both of them gone, i am torn .

Both of them gone,
where do I go ? what do I do ?

Both are necessities,
without those lives in mine,
there will be techinical difficulties .
like now .

=/

I Love You Shelbyy .

&&

Yes .

I Loooove You Lovell .
I Love You .

Um,

honestly ...

idk, if its just a phase or not cus i'm not usually this wayy
but I'm startin to not give a fuck about anyOne or anyThing .

like, the way I been feeeling, I just wanna say "Fuck Youu && Fuck Off !"
to everyone lol like idc about feelings, or how your day went, or give a fuck about how your life is, or give a fuck about what you thinkk, or give a damn about who you are .

i just dont a fuck about youu .

its about mee .

fuck you kidd .

=] .

Just being Honest .

All he said was "6 month anniversary",

&& that scared the living shit outta me .

SIX MONTHS ?! thats fuckin forever !

its been a month now ... and its like ...

I'm not havin second thoughts or anything but ...

idkk . he scared me away a bit .
He said he loves me .

do i love him ?

I'm hella scared to .
but when I kiss him,
my breathing gets faster,
I want more, more of his
lips EVERYWHERE, even
when he just gives me a
simple peck, i always grab
him and pull him back to
me for more, perhaps cus
i cant get enough, idk
why though, he's just so
tall, i love wrappin my
arms around his neck,
his smooth skin against
mine, his arms around
my waist, it just feels so
right when he holds me,
not eeeeven just him and
his kisses, but even when
he breathes on me, and i
can feel it, is just a
wonderful feeling, i guess
the feeling of him, or
another human being
for that matter, so close
to me, feeling the same
way that i feel, knowing
their heart is in the same
place as mine, is just an
exhilarating feeling ... like
.........................................
paradise . his warm
embrace, him just being
next to mee ... is ....
Heaven .

sorry Jesus .

Mann, ugh ...

get out my face ...

you annoyin as fuckkk ...

*sigh

I feel like shaving off my head .

I'm tired .

She's Speechless .

It's funny .

I was soo pissed at him ...
I didn't talk to him for a whooole 24 hours !
it was excruciating ! Okay, I exaggerated a little,
but it was close enough !
I was missing him soo SOO muchhh, ...

&& so,

on my home, waiting for the train,

I was thinking "whens the last time, someone even said "Nalani, I Love Youu ."

&& it's terrible, because I don't even remember =/

and thenn, when I got to my mother's job, I couldn't take it anymore,

so I text himm lol and we ending up talking a bit, ... and he says

" Bubblegum...I Loveee Youu."

&& I'm just sitting there, and my chest gets tight, like I can't breathe, ...

I said " ... what ?"

He said "I Loveee Youuu."

&& I keep on acting dumb, because I feel ... like I'm in a dream . and I'm

still not believing, and I'm like "what ? I don't understand, what ? why ?" LOL

I'm just ... idkk .

he said I didn't have to say it back,

I'm scared . lol

Okay, Yeha I'm back But Only For A Second; 2nd realization lol

today, we have officially been toegther for a month .

anddd we're mad at each other .

we havent talked allll day .

an EXACT month, anddd first big im-not-talking-to-you-until-you-talk-to-me-first arguemnt .

All I can say is wow .

but hey, this is us .

wonder whats gonna happen next month lol jkkkk

Sometimes,

I be scared to write what i truly feel because i be scared the person im talkin about gonna come on here and read what i wrote and stuff lol but like i said, this blog is for mee, soo should I really give a fuck ? i dont think so because its how IIIII feel, and I shldnt be ashamed of how I feel right ..

so anyways, i'm bein nosy as fuckk .
and I see her .
LOL shes pretty darn pretty .
Prettier than me ?
is she prettier than me ?
She sure as hell got bigger boobies than me lol *not funny
I didnt see her ass no homo lol

but I just be worried sometimes . Im sucha fuckin worrywart .

ughh i hate it when Im like that, i be worryin myself to death .

but i shldnt trip right ? cus I should already know that IMMM wifeyyy .
and IIII come first . or do i really ?

idkk .
fuck; I never knoww .
I gtta stop cussin too .

is he thinkin about me ? or is he thinkin about her ?

whatever;

ew, mann thats why i hate relationships .
cus they so damn complicated, and nervewrecking .
and confusing and fun .
and drama, and laughs, im not gonna say
cries because I'll be damnedddd, ... if IIII Nalani Teruyo Hobbs Cry .

I'm donnnne crying over niggas . been there, done that .
&& i realized .. even from when I was younger, and it still applies
to everyday life, that CRYING GETS YOU NOWHERE ....

so don't do that lame ass whack ass shit .

goodnight .

for now .

until i have something else to think of to type down lol

*get it ? type down, not write down ?? lmfao ! well it was funny to me, okay bye .*

=] .

wow ... calm realization .

I have a boyfriend .



ANDDD ...



idk about himm ... but I care about him, idk if he cares about me .

I ask him how his day went, how his games went, did he win or lose, who they played && etc



but he dont never ask mee nothing . like how did your track meet go ? what place did you get ?



like do you even care about my life ?! lol



like I wanna get to know him inside and out, what hes thinking, how hes feeling, how he doing, is there anything i can do that can help ?



but i feel as though we're not balanced . which we're not . i think; possibly, I care about him more than he'll EVER care about me . nahh, I don't love him, but sometimes I think I do . but how should IIII know what love is ? I've never experienced it . I knowww Im not there yet, cus this nigga keeps me OFF cloud 9 . *sigh . I don't know . There times when I like him soo much that I feel that this is soo right, then other times I feel as though I was a fool for thinkin that in the first place anddd we're just nott meant to be, like we have soo many differences and we are soo alike too .
he is conceited, I am humble .
but we think the same things sometimes and its creepy .
we work well together, I say . we could be Bonnie and Clyde if we wanted to .
we don't really have problems, but I WILL admit, other GIRLS have always been the
problem if there ever was one . if it wasnt for other girls, then we'd be PERFECT . but
all relationships have their flaws . ugh, i hate girls . theyre just too muchh sometimes lol
but anyways, ... we'll see ..

I guess .

Aight fine,

Yeah, Ima bit hurt .

I'll admit it .

Geez .

But I'm chillin .. so it dont even matter .

damn,

just fuck her then .

might as well .

fuckk .

DCIA RELAY CHAMPIONS ... && OTHER NEWS .. I GUESS /

OMG IT WAS RAINING, AND FREEEEEZING COLD !

Im pissed they didnt cancel it ! but Im glad I ran though lol I always say that after a meet. My back is KILLING ME ! I'm hurting ...
I went to the docs the other day and i got a chest x-ray and he talkin about how I cant run no more and if I keep running like I am, then my blood pressure is gonna shoot staright up and Ima just ..

Drop Dead .

Like those marathoners .

I was liiiikke ,,, ... what thee heck ?!

how he gonna tell me ima die and I gotta stop runnin ?!

well .... all i can say is, .. I aint dead yet ! so Ima keep on, keepin on lol

but anyways ... Umm, nothing much is really new .
I still feel the same way about everything . I guess .

I feel like I'm starting to doubt everyone/ everything .

Idk how i feel . I feel,

lost . like ... distant from the world . like cut off .

am I missing something ?

OH YEAH !!

KILL; I MADE HONOR ROLL !

NEVER IN BANNEKER LIFE ... HAVE I ACHIEVED THAT !

sice gaaaaaaaame .

FuckIt

I'm not even gonna lie .

I just don't trust him all the way . I trust him like 90% .

I guess . idkk, I'm just paranoid, .

maybe thats why my relationships dont usually last but so

long lol whatever . i like every thing out in the open . i guess he

doesnt . and I jut cant take it . but i guess thats where trust comes in right ?

DontTripDontTripDontTrip

Its just dumb myspace stuff .

&& its just a stupid picture right ?

I'm alright .
I wassss a little upset ,

but fuck it .

I don't care .

Thanks For Bringing Me Back To Reality,

Thank youuuu Loe .
I think I like this relationship .
He blows me .
Allllll the tiiiime .
&& It hasn't even been a month yet .
Usually, everything is all sweet and lovely in the beginning,
no fights, no being mad, no arguing, no hanging up on the
other, no cussing each other out, everything is perfect,

like Paradise,

like a wonderful Dream, ...

well thanks for WAKING ME THE FUCK UP !

=] .

Just Because I Feel Beautiful

=/ ?

I don't wanna get stuck, . I'm scared . I'm not afraid of going too far . I'm just afraid of it ending . I hate catching feelings, cus then I get attached . like seriously . i just don't wanna get hurt, ya know ?

I mean, I'm not gonna be immature and say i hope we last forever, because i'm just a realistic person, anddd ... i mean its POSSIBLE, but like a 1 in 60,000 lol soo ... idkkk ...

when I love someone, I LOVE them .

*sigh, I'm scared /

This Guyyy ...

I don't even know what to sayy ... I just looove being with him . he makes me smile, laugh, upset, mad, happy . I seen him today, and MANNN, I CANT get enough !! Just everything about himm . he's soo Bossy and I love it lol he's so sweet and cute . he can be a jerk-ass sometimes, but in the end, I always wanna be with him . those lips, his hands, his eyes, his smile, l... did I say those lips ? I just want to be in his arms, or wrap my arms around his waist, and never let go . his skin against mine, feels soo ... wonderful, it might sound weird but i love it when we're so close, that I can feel his breathe on me, .. it feels exhilirating .. idk how to spell it lol I just love being with him, it's like a natural high, like high on cloud 9 . what is cloud 9 anyway ? idk, either way, Im on it lol and aint jumpin down, no time soon ...

Mine

I LOVE HER .

I'm Just Gonna Stop . 09 It's My Time . Fuck You .

I knowwww, I knowwww Ive been complaining and complaining how nobody cares for meee ... or shows me any love or whatever, well fuck all that shit because Im tired of feeling sorry for myself, and being dumped in the dirt and all that jazz . If you don't care about me, fuck you, if you not gonna be there for me, fuck you, if you don't love me, fuck you, if youu can't do nothing for mee, fuck you . what do i need you for ?? There is NOO reason for you in my life, if you have no purpose for me . I'm just livin my life and movin on up, but if you still sittin here tryna hold me back, bringin me down and shit, not havin my back and shit, not carin for me and shit, then fuck you . I don't care . I'm not gettin brand new, more like fed up . but chyeah; ... born in this world alone, gonna make it on my own alone, fuck That ...

OMG TOOTH PULLED !

I JUST PULLED OUT DEFOREST 2ND TOOTH, YAYYYY !!! =D

No Ones Loves Me This I Know, For Your Actions Tell Me So, *tune to Jesus loves me

But seriously .
I'm tired of this .

I'm ready for someone to start caring about Mee .
wondering how My day went, how I feel .
some one to wonder about me .

i sit here, and listen to youu .
thinking about you .
missing you .
loving you .
caring about you .
making sure you're alright .

I try to tell you how I feel, how My day went, && you
be like "ohh, ... well MYY blah blah blahh"

I be thinking "dang, ... ."
&& then I go on and listen to you .
caring about you .

is there anyone ... for me ?

love me unconditionally ?
listen to me ?
care for me ?

Maybe not .

But I am ALWAYS here for You .
Just know that,

you have something, that I'd kill for;

Falling In Love, Noo Not Mee //

I personally thinkkk ... everyone falls in love . I mean, they probably don't realize it, but they do . Like you know when you were young, and you get like REALLY pressed over someone ?

I remember when I was like that lol like when I was in Walker Mill, in 7th grade i used to ADOOOORE this guy name Romell, like OOO MMM GGG . I was SO pressed . I used to collect his school papers, well steal them, used to breathe in sharply the air from when he passed by me, was in Heaven when he looked my way, didnt wanna wash my shirt when his accidentally brushed against mine when walking through the hallss lol I mean, IIIIII think it's love cus, to be cherish the fingertips that have touched you, collect the papers that were written so gracefully by his hands, faint at the sight of his eyes grazing upon yours ... thats love lol

or being obessesed . lol

Mom Meets Boyfriend .

Wow . && I thought it was gonna go badly .

Not too shabby I guess .

At least my stepdad likes him .

well, so does mom .

actually idk if she does . she most definetly avoided my question . i said sooo ... do you like him ? she said "he's nice . his friend is funny ." Bitch, thats not what I asked . But I accepted the answer . Either way, she gonna see more of him . Soo, it doesn't even matter like shit .

Kill; we went over the house to go pick him and up and whatever, both his twin sisters mugged the shit outta me lol I said "Hi ." One waved . lol I was like Damn . Oh well . But other than that, it went pretty smooth .

I Think I Like Us .