Aruba Trip (Summed Up)

It was aight . i don't really like traveling unless it's somewhere i haven't been to . it was boring as hell except for the 1st and last night . 1st night we met these white guys from cali, they were cool, and we chilled with them, andddd ... yeah .. =) . dont worry we didnt have sex with them or do anything sexual, or at least NALANI didnt, but ummm *cough cough* lol so anyways then friday, we went to the club, like the 18 and over kind, and I danced on stage yall ! it was soo much fun ! i LOOOVE the club ! cant wait 'til im 18 ! WOO HOOOO ! lol jkkk . but yeahh .

that was it basically . all the in between then's ... didnt really do nothin except swim and shit .

Mann ...

why the fuck am I always the other woman ?

is this my place in life ?

just a quick fuck ? damn,

Feelin' Uglyyy ...

Mannn ... i just keep makin my own damn self mad . like ...

what the fuck .

i went to loe's ex's page ... anddd i dont know why really ...

and shes the one ... that was always on the other side ... so he had feelings for her STILL,
so i guess IM the girl on the other side since they were together first, ..

but she is SO fuckin PRETTY ... like oh my goshh . it doesnt even make sense as to why he was
even with me . shes Beautiful . Geez . and shes super thick . and it hurts cus the whole time, he was messin with Her ... and then the fact that thts your Ex also,... kills everything .

i dont evne know why im thinking about this shit .

but i haddd to blog .

fuck him . i hate you Lovell .

Past Has Come Back To Haunt Me,

Shit .

I hate this . i keep doing this . and i thought i was over it . i thought i was better . i thought i was healed . but apparently im not . i cant stop . i cant help it .

im just so stupid
stupid
stupid .

i keep overeating .

when i was younger, i had an eating disorder, i used to binge, and then i tried to be anorexic

but i was never successful, becausee tryna starve yourself and then eat everything in the fucking refrigerator doesnt work . ive had self esteem problems and family problems so i used to take it out on eating . i was 12 and weighed 20 pounds more than my mother who had a perfect hourglass figure . and that made it worse, cus all MY crushes and all my BAIT, wanted her ...

which made me turn to anorexia so i can be thin ... and skinny ... and beautiful . just like her . she'd wear tube tops and short shorts ... and her long beautiful hair swayin all the way down to her butt ... and then it be my ass sittin on the other side, staring at the model from a distance ... wishing i was her .. wishing i was my mother for just a few moments .. see what heaven was like ...

i'd try EVERYTHINGGG to be skinny ... pills, drinks, not eating, drink water all day, i'd subscribe to those anorexic help websites .... i was reallly determined ... to be skinny . those skinyn girls were ... and ARE .. in some aspects ...still beautiful to me .

but i read this article ... about how like alcoholics, drug users, anorexics, binge eaters, and etc can be healed, and stuff, and wont do it anymore, like theyre a brand new person .... but if .. they get pushed to a certain point, or just near it ... they will go back to it ...

and IIIII ...

have gone back to it . and i AM ashamed . and embarrased .

because today ... well, last night, my mom bought me some leftovers from this japanese restauarant and i ate it all up, ... andthere was some for my stepdad too ... and ...

i ate that shit up . and i felt so guilty cus when he came downstairs, .. he didnt have

anything to eat =/ i felt SO bad, like i wanted to kill myself . and he asked did anyone eat it ?

everyone said no . he asked me did i eat both, ... i said noo ... i only ate the one mommy gave

me ... and he just sighed ... and asked my gramma did she throw it away ... and of course she

denied it . and NALANI is the FATASS FUCK !! shit .

ive done that shit before too . when we was havin chicken wings . and i had like 8 (cus babyGirl can eat! LOL) and ray got home late ... and all he had was 2 little wings ... and he was like "is this all i get ? wheres the rest of the food ??" and he looked straight at me cus he knows i eat alot ... and too much, and my mother makes comments and stuff ....

and for once .. my mother took up for me and said "i gave the leftovers to accent *my Dog* cus you usually bring your own food home *which he sometimes does* so we didnt know !" and he aint say nothing else ... and i felt so badd ... i wanted to throw up everything i ever ate and shitted out ... . i hate that shit . cus theres so many people who dont have anything to eat ... and here i am ... being so greedy . and i KNOW i have a problem ... and i TRY sooo hard ...

to eat right, to eat the right amount of portions ... but my past always, and always will ... come back to haunt me .

&& We're Back From Our Commercial Break,

&& I'm wayyy better now . I NEEDED that party . i needed to let loose for a few . mann it was fun . TONS of bait . but i alerady had my lil joint joint, yeahhh youuu know . he's REALLY sweet . and i KNOWW he wont hurt me . already met his mom and stuff, aactully, both his parents . and if it wasnt for his mom tryna hook us up, i wouldve never met him . but yeahh, you know the basics . he's tall . athletic . nice lips . blah blah blahhh . lol justtt the kind i like . but umm, yeah, so we're talking now . and he's very understanding . like if we werent more than friends, i can see us being like bestfriends . he makes me laugh, and smile, and i like talking to him . hes so down to earth, and soo sweet . he'd do anything for me . and i keep asking why do he like me, and i knowww it get annoyin cus i ask alot cus i JUST DONT UNDERSTAND ! lol and eevvverytime, he tells me . and he Never gets tired of telling me why . which i STILL dont udnerstand . but theres things in life that youre just not going to . we have so much in common, and we think the same things, and see from each others perspectives, and its like we WANT to understand each other, to knoww what the other is thinking, or feeling, to just care about each other, and we do . andddd its just so great for me . well, for us . its not love or anything, cus im too ... nervous for that . but its something like it . i dont, and im not innn love with him, but i guess you can say i care about him . i have feelings for him . && vice versa . so yeah . but im def not tryna rush anything . cus when i rush something serious like this, i end up ... idkkk . but im just living my life right now . not really planning anything for relationships/love, just living each day at a time . and whereever this takes me, im willing to go . just not rushed .

but im pretty happy i'd say . schools practically over . time for aruba . SUMMER TIME .

Feels Like,

flowers on a beautiful day .

idk why i just said that . but anyways, i didnt have an umbrella today =/ and it was pouring
down raining . but it wasnt even so bad because ive always wanted to do that anyway . but anyways, im scrolling through old pictures on my photobuckt, and i see GAZILLION pictures of me and loe all close, and kissin, and ew . and im just sittin here in awe because i forgot i had those lil fuckers in there . but i dont wanna delete them lol ;] . is that bad ? what does that mean ? mm whatever . i say that at like the end of every blog . its either "mm whatever ." or "fuck it ." lmao thaaaats funny .