Feelin' Uglyyy ...

Mannn ... i just keep makin my own damn self mad . like ...

what the fuck .

i went to loe's ex's page ... anddd i dont know why really ...

and shes the one ... that was always on the other side ... so he had feelings for her STILL,
so i guess IM the girl on the other side since they were together first, ..

but she is SO fuckin PRETTY ... like oh my goshh . it doesnt even make sense as to why he was
even with me . shes Beautiful . Geez . and shes super thick . and it hurts cus the whole time, he was messin with Her ... and then the fact that thts your Ex also,... kills everything .

i dont evne know why im thinking about this shit .

but i haddd to blog .

fuck him . i hate you Lovell .

Past Has Come Back To Haunt Me,

Shit .

I hate this . i keep doing this . and i thought i was over it . i thought i was better . i thought i was healed . but apparently im not . i cant stop . i cant help it .

im just so stupid
stupid
stupid .

i keep overeating .

when i was younger, i had an eating disorder, i used to binge, and then i tried to be anorexic

but i was never successful, becausee tryna starve yourself and then eat everything in the fucking refrigerator doesnt work . ive had self esteem problems and family problems so i used to take it out on eating . i was 12 and weighed 20 pounds more than my mother who had a perfect hourglass figure . and that made it worse, cus all MY crushes and all my BAIT, wanted her ...

which made me turn to anorexia so i can be thin ... and skinny ... and beautiful . just like her . she'd wear tube tops and short shorts ... and her long beautiful hair swayin all the way down to her butt ... and then it be my ass sittin on the other side, staring at the model from a distance ... wishing i was her .. wishing i was my mother for just a few moments .. see what heaven was like ...

i'd try EVERYTHINGGG to be skinny ... pills, drinks, not eating, drink water all day, i'd subscribe to those anorexic help websites .... i was reallly determined ... to be skinny . those skinyn girls were ... and ARE .. in some aspects ...still beautiful to me .

but i read this article ... about how like alcoholics, drug users, anorexics, binge eaters, and etc can be healed, and stuff, and wont do it anymore, like theyre a brand new person .... but if .. they get pushed to a certain point, or just near it ... they will go back to it ...

and IIIII ...

have gone back to it . and i AM ashamed . and embarrased .

because today ... well, last night, my mom bought me some leftovers from this japanese restauarant and i ate it all up, ... andthere was some for my stepdad too ... and ...

i ate that shit up . and i felt so guilty cus when he came downstairs, .. he didnt have

anything to eat =/ i felt SO bad, like i wanted to kill myself . and he asked did anyone eat it ?

everyone said no . he asked me did i eat both, ... i said noo ... i only ate the one mommy gave

me ... and he just sighed ... and asked my gramma did she throw it away ... and of course she

denied it . and NALANI is the FATASS FUCK !! shit .

ive done that shit before too . when we was havin chicken wings . and i had like 8 (cus babyGirl can eat! LOL) and ray got home late ... and all he had was 2 little wings ... and he was like "is this all i get ? wheres the rest of the food ??" and he looked straight at me cus he knows i eat alot ... and too much, and my mother makes comments and stuff ....

and for once .. my mother took up for me and said "i gave the leftovers to accent *my Dog* cus you usually bring your own food home *which he sometimes does* so we didnt know !" and he aint say nothing else ... and i felt so badd ... i wanted to throw up everything i ever ate and shitted out ... . i hate that shit . cus theres so many people who dont have anything to eat ... and here i am ... being so greedy . and i KNOW i have a problem ... and i TRY sooo hard ...

to eat right, to eat the right amount of portions ... but my past always, and always will ... come back to haunt me .

&& We're Back From Our Commercial Break,

&& I'm wayyy better now . I NEEDED that party . i needed to let loose for a few . mann it was fun . TONS of bait . but i alerady had my lil joint joint, yeahhh youuu know . he's REALLY sweet . and i KNOWW he wont hurt me . already met his mom and stuff, aactully, both his parents . and if it wasnt for his mom tryna hook us up, i wouldve never met him . but yeahh, you know the basics . he's tall . athletic . nice lips . blah blah blahhh . lol justtt the kind i like . but umm, yeah, so we're talking now . and he's very understanding . like if we werent more than friends, i can see us being like bestfriends . he makes me laugh, and smile, and i like talking to him . hes so down to earth, and soo sweet . he'd do anything for me . and i keep asking why do he like me, and i knowww it get annoyin cus i ask alot cus i JUST DONT UNDERSTAND ! lol and eevvverytime, he tells me . and he Never gets tired of telling me why . which i STILL dont udnerstand . but theres things in life that youre just not going to . we have so much in common, and we think the same things, and see from each others perspectives, and its like we WANT to understand each other, to knoww what the other is thinking, or feeling, to just care about each other, and we do . andddd its just so great for me . well, for us . its not love or anything, cus im too ... nervous for that . but its something like it . i dont, and im not innn love with him, but i guess you can say i care about him . i have feelings for him . && vice versa . so yeah . but im def not tryna rush anything . cus when i rush something serious like this, i end up ... idkkk . but im just living my life right now . not really planning anything for relationships/love, just living each day at a time . and whereever this takes me, im willing to go . just not rushed .

but im pretty happy i'd say . schools practically over . time for aruba . SUMMER TIME .

Feels Like,

flowers on a beautiful day .

idk why i just said that . but anyways, i didnt have an umbrella today =/ and it was pouring
down raining . but it wasnt even so bad because ive always wanted to do that anyway . but anyways, im scrolling through old pictures on my photobuckt, and i see GAZILLION pictures of me and loe all close, and kissin, and ew . and im just sittin here in awe because i forgot i had those lil fuckers in there . but i dont wanna delete them lol ;] . is that bad ? what does that mean ? mm whatever . i say that at like the end of every blog . its either "mm whatever ." or "fuck it ." lmao thaaaats funny .

I Wish ..

I never loved you .
never met you .
i was confident all the time .
i'd be fearless .
i wasn't so damn triflin'.
God and I had a btter relationship .
I wore a size 10 .
my boobs weren't so small .
i wasn't so nice .
i didn't stutter .
i wasnt so hairy .
my butt didnt have all these stretch marks
i wasnt such a bad person .
drugs werent sucha bad thing
I'd find him .
i could speak french and japanese fluently .
i wasnt a failure .
i didnt complain so damn much; fuckk .

My Life ... Like Shit .

1 .So basically ... its some shit . like forreal . but im teribly grateful because i love my life . but then, sometimes, i wish it could be different . like i see other people couplin up, and bein just together and lovin each other, and im starin from a distance, like daaamn ..thats beautiful . and i look at mine, and ... dont even see any love . period . i mean damn . but sometimes, i think i deserve it . because i believe in karma . so what goes around, comes around . i be stealing clothes, jewelry, cheating, just doin all wrong ... so in return i get nothing . thats how i see . just karma . God knows what im doin . soo ... yeah . but i dont care . sometimes, i think i dont really need it .

2 .i dont have a boyfriend now . and i thought i missed him . i thought i missed his lips, his embrace, his being in general . mannnnn fuckkk that nigga . i just had a realization . he just makes me hate niggas in general . i guess only cus ... before him, ... i never really was the bf/gf type ... and then here he comes ... and hes my boyfriend ... and its weird cus i dont fuckin do boyfriends . and then, i end up loving him ... and i hate that shit too . he had me wiiiiide open . and he just ,,, left . and it hurt . well, really IIIII left , but he left first emotionally i guess . and ... idk . i feel as though he belongs to me . and now what i had is gone . its dead . whyy ? i dont know . i dont know anything ... fuck .

3 .but i also realized ... that I AM alone . like i have bestfriends whom i love ... but .. theyre not gonna ALWAYS be there for me . like i want someone ... whos gonna love me UNCONDITIONALLY, like ... idk .. just a love so great i could cry . but i dont think that really exists . for me at least . i meann, shelbyy ,... i love that girl . like always and forever . like i dont even know why, but i would do any and everything for that girl, and i would never get tired of her . she makes me happy . but now ... she has a boyfriend . and ... she was my other half ... and now shes someone elses ... and i dont have her as much as i did . and i barely had her before cus we go to diff schools so i ckld hardly see her . and its like everytime i ask her to do something or wanna hang, she always says im with deon, deon this, deon that, now DONT GET ME WRONG ! i am NOTTTT complaining .. at all, i am VERY happy and excited that she has experienced love, cus shes not the bf/gf type either . and matetr fact, i love deon, hes really cool, so i DEF. approve . but anyways, like loe and shelby made my world ,. and both are gone, and now have left me in pieces . im slowly building myself back up again . slowly ... but surely .

4 .and its like .... what the fuck, am I your therapist ?? did i ASKKKKK what happened ? i dont think i signed up for this . you dont care about me . like when i try to tell someone about MYYY problems, cus i mean since im such the listener, i think i would have to vent some time too, but anyways, when i try to tell someone about my problems, they ALL OF A SUDDEN ... sttart ramblin on about THEIR problems .. like what the fuck, youre soo selfish ! theres NEVER time when someone just wants to sit down with me, and be like "sonn .. whatsup" and like actually care . NO ONE . and thats why sometiems, i just feel like telling people to shut the fuck up because i dont give a flying fuck . it just gets so annoying sometimes . i just get SOO tired .

5 .like alll of my friends be like "oh yeahh, i love you etc etc," "i gotchu son" blah blah blahh ... noo bitchh .. you dont . you dont love me . you dont care about me . you only come to me, because you KNOW im nice, you KNOW i'll listen, you KNOW i'll be there for you . but will you do the same to me ? noo . you'll just be like "ohh .." or "truue ." bitch i aint ask for a one word response, HELP MEE ! what the fuck .

6 . anddddd mom, you can DEFINETLY suck my Nuttttt . i just ... cant fuckin stand you . you make me feel like shit . i feel like youre the fakest person in all thee nations . and dad ... well ... you dont have to necessarily SUCK my nut ... but you can definetly give it a lick or two . because you complain that i never call or never text .. bitch you i always text you, and i NEVER get a text from you ! but YET, you can send MY MOMMMMM a fuckin txt message sayin whatsup . BITCH WHAT ABOUT ME ? ... mann ... fuck yall .

i swear mann, ima stay focused in school, get this muhfuckin honor roll, get some fuckin scholarships, and roll THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE .... fuck out . to college . and never comin back, never lookin back . believe that . mann ... fuck all of yall . shit .
yall dont do shit for me . or my life . you dont better me, so whats the ourpose of you ?

thats what the fuck i thought ,.

Dead && Gone

We're Done . officially .

hes sucha fuckin lil kid . he deleted me as a myspace friend ! lol

like who does that ? i cant believe i like an immature lil boy like that .

he tryna get girls off myspace and whatever . good luck nigga . i got mine .

get your weight up .