I Wish ..

I never loved you .
never met you .
i was confident all the time .
i'd be fearless .
i wasn't so damn triflin'.
God and I had a btter relationship .
I wore a size 10 .
my boobs weren't so small .
i wasn't so nice .
i didn't stutter .
i wasnt so hairy .
my butt didnt have all these stretch marks
i wasnt such a bad person .
drugs werent sucha bad thing
I'd find him .
i could speak french and japanese fluently .
i wasnt a failure .
i didnt complain so damn much; fuckk .

My Life ... Like Shit .

1 .So basically ... its some shit . like forreal . but im teribly grateful because i love my life . but then, sometimes, i wish it could be different . like i see other people couplin up, and bein just together and lovin each other, and im starin from a distance, like daaamn ..thats beautiful . and i look at mine, and ... dont even see any love . period . i mean damn . but sometimes, i think i deserve it . because i believe in karma . so what goes around, comes around . i be stealing clothes, jewelry, cheating, just doin all wrong ... so in return i get nothing . thats how i see . just karma . God knows what im doin . soo ... yeah . but i dont care . sometimes, i think i dont really need it .

2 .i dont have a boyfriend now . and i thought i missed him . i thought i missed his lips, his embrace, his being in general . mannnnn fuckkk that nigga . i just had a realization . he just makes me hate niggas in general . i guess only cus ... before him, ... i never really was the bf/gf type ... and then here he comes ... and hes my boyfriend ... and its weird cus i dont fuckin do boyfriends . and then, i end up loving him ... and i hate that shit too . he had me wiiiiide open . and he just ,,, left . and it hurt . well, really IIIII left , but he left first emotionally i guess . and ... idk . i feel as though he belongs to me . and now what i had is gone . its dead . whyy ? i dont know . i dont know anything ... fuck .

3 .but i also realized ... that I AM alone . like i have bestfriends whom i love ... but .. theyre not gonna ALWAYS be there for me . like i want someone ... whos gonna love me UNCONDITIONALLY, like ... idk .. just a love so great i could cry . but i dont think that really exists . for me at least . i meann, shelbyy ,... i love that girl . like always and forever . like i dont even know why, but i would do any and everything for that girl, and i would never get tired of her . she makes me happy . but now ... she has a boyfriend . and ... she was my other half ... and now shes someone elses ... and i dont have her as much as i did . and i barely had her before cus we go to diff schools so i ckld hardly see her . and its like everytime i ask her to do something or wanna hang, she always says im with deon, deon this, deon that, now DONT GET ME WRONG ! i am NOTTTT complaining .. at all, i am VERY happy and excited that she has experienced love, cus shes not the bf/gf type either . and matetr fact, i love deon, hes really cool, so i DEF. approve . but anyways, like loe and shelby made my world ,. and both are gone, and now have left me in pieces . im slowly building myself back up again . slowly ... but surely .

4 .and its like .... what the fuck, am I your therapist ?? did i ASKKKKK what happened ? i dont think i signed up for this . you dont care about me . like when i try to tell someone about MYYY problems, cus i mean since im such the listener, i think i would have to vent some time too, but anyways, when i try to tell someone about my problems, they ALL OF A SUDDEN ... sttart ramblin on about THEIR problems .. like what the fuck, youre soo selfish ! theres NEVER time when someone just wants to sit down with me, and be like "sonn .. whatsup" and like actually care . NO ONE . and thats why sometiems, i just feel like telling people to shut the fuck up because i dont give a flying fuck . it just gets so annoying sometimes . i just get SOO tired .

5 .like alll of my friends be like "oh yeahh, i love you etc etc," "i gotchu son" blah blah blahh ... noo bitchh .. you dont . you dont love me . you dont care about me . you only come to me, because you KNOW im nice, you KNOW i'll listen, you KNOW i'll be there for you . but will you do the same to me ? noo . you'll just be like "ohh .." or "truue ." bitch i aint ask for a one word response, HELP MEE ! what the fuck .

6 . anddddd mom, you can DEFINETLY suck my Nuttttt . i just ... cant fuckin stand you . you make me feel like shit . i feel like youre the fakest person in all thee nations . and dad ... well ... you dont have to necessarily SUCK my nut ... but you can definetly give it a lick or two . because you complain that i never call or never text .. bitch you i always text you, and i NEVER get a text from you ! but YET, you can send MY MOMMMMM a fuckin txt message sayin whatsup . BITCH WHAT ABOUT ME ? ... mann ... fuck yall .

i swear mann, ima stay focused in school, get this muhfuckin honor roll, get some fuckin scholarships, and roll THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE .... fuck out . to college . and never comin back, never lookin back . believe that . mann ... fuck all of yall . shit .
yall dont do shit for me . or my life . you dont better me, so whats the ourpose of you ?

thats what the fuck i thought ,.

Dead && Gone

We're Done . officially .

hes sucha fuckin lil kid . he deleted me as a myspace friend ! lol

like who does that ? i cant believe i like an immature lil boy like that .

he tryna get girls off myspace and whatever . good luck nigga . i got mine .

get your weight up .

Last,

I hate myself for ever being sucked into this . my hands are shaking right now and its 821am .
i just ... i cant take this anymore . im tired . he makes unhappy, stressed, tired, sick, worried, and he only chooses to talk to me when he wants to . and it makes me mad as shit . i cant fuckin stand him . because hes a bamma ass nigga . why the fuck aint you tell me you was a date to go to someone elses prom ?!?! WHAT THE FUCK NIGGA ? but im thinkinggggg its because i didnt tell him i was takin pictures of my bestfriend at herrrr prom . but its not even the same ! HE actually dressed up and was a DATE to the prom and etc etc, MEEEE on the other hand was still in my track practice clothes, with my little digital cmera takin pix of my bestfriend and her date in her house and in the lobby of the thing cus i couldnt get past security lol so thats WAYYYY fuckin different . and thne on his facebook status it said he hate when niggas dont txt back, and then he gonna tell his "Shani Boo-Boo" to text him . BITCH IVE BEEN MUHFUCKIN TEXTIN YOU FOR LIKE TWO DAYS AND NO REPLY FROM YOUR ASS !!! soo what the fuck, you ignoring me nigga ?
&& whole time ive been tryna give you some space since you said you be tired, and imt hinkin you be tired of basketball, band practice, and school work, but CLEARLY you went to prom, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND the fucking gogo .... i swear, ... if I was a nigga ... i would steal the shit ouuta yo ass . you a bitch ass PUSSY(yeah i said it lol) ass fake ass muhfucka . OOH i cant fuckin stand you . and what REALLY gets me is the fact that ive been puttin up with ALL your shit for THEE longest . all because i love you and think we can work things out . CLEARLY, we fuckin cant . and i feel like im puttin in wayyy too much effort into this relationship when youre fucking not . and its BULLSHIT . youre bullshitting me . and i fell for it . nahh, im not stupid, nahh, im not gullible . i just trusted you . now i consider myself a fool . you aint no different from any other nigga . you just the same LOVELL .
and i'm NOT goin through this shit again . fuck it . im done . i swear . cus you dont love me . you dont . youre a liar . cus if this is or was love, then maybe i dont need to be in it . or i dont WANT to be in it . cus it sucks ass Lovell . fuck THISSS .

Hmm ...

well life is improving .
lovell and I are back together again,
like always lol =]
but umm .. school is almost over .
CANT WAAAIT ! i need to find someone
to do my senegalese or nubians . doesnt matter
which . i havent seen loe in 3 weeks ! =/

I Just Need To Vent,

okayy .. honestly I'm not mad . just a bit upset . "lookin for a real youngin" ?? bitch i'm right here what the fuckkk . im not bein pressed or on dicks or nothin, i just need an understanding . what is about me that isnt REAL ? and its just like ... nigga what the fuck . are you stupid ? do you knwwww what youre leaving behind ? i payed for your dinner the first time my mom took us out, i payed for you and juan's pizza and hotwings when yall come over, i bought you your favorite candy jus cus i was thinking about you ! and gave you other favors as well ... and what have you done for me ? NOTHING !
You aint neva buy me shit or give meee and "favors" or whatever . but you know what ? i ddnt even care . i didnt need all that . i dont need your money or anything like that cus thats not what im about . im about bein here and there for you . i got you . this may sound corny but i wanted your heart, and nothing else . nothing moneyy can buy . i wanted your love and understanding . but i guess i cant get everything i want . all i wanted was you . but i guess im not enough for YOUU . but you know what, im not even trippin . you do youu . and ima do mee . i hope you DO find a real youngin, realer than me ? good luck mutherfucker . cus im as real as it gets . im not gonna lie to you and youknow that . im not gonna cheat on you, and you know that . i was always there for you, and you know that .
i always asked howyour day went, how your basketball games went, what you doin today, do you wanna hang out, whats on your mind, do you wanna talk aabout it blah blah blahhh ,,... but do youuu ask MEE any of that ? fuckkk nooo . you never ask about my track meets, my life, how im feeling, do iiiii wanna go out somewhere, nothingggg . because you dont care . and i just CANT believe that i wasted my time like this . you aint no different than the rest of them, i hope you know that .
&& for YOUUR information, i think NALANI should be the one "LOOKIN FOR A REAL ASS NIGGA" .
Ha .
good luck on life, i hope you a beast in basketball, and i hope your lil band make alot of money, and i hope you get all the girls in the world . but i just hope you dont play with them ... thats all i ask of you ...
if you cant give ME, what I yearn from you, ... at least give it to someone special .
seriously .

..

&& the feeling is real .
he doesn't .

.......

hmm .

Nalani, is that all you can say ? is Hmm ?
For right now ... yes .
don't worry .
I am not mad .
I am not sad .
I am not upset .
I am not anything .

I am ... Okay .
better than I thought I would have been .